yeah you know

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

2007-07-06T14:41:00.000-07:00

i think we can all agree that we had a few good months here, some laughs, some tears, some nsfws, like the picture says, fuck this shit, im burning the house down and building a new one, if you wanna know where the newer and better page is going to be, let me know, it will be updated more with multiple posts during the day so you can waste more time, awesome

Whats New

2007-06-18T17:19:00.001-07:00

This is a video of me performing a song in front of Glen Danzig's house in Hollywood, California. USA. IF you like it please forward on.

Danzig's House

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Also sorry for the lack of postings. I am working something newer and better in terms of a blog and it should be up soon.

Also Obey is now making baby clothes.

John Travolta is a gay man with a plane

2007-06-12T19:12:00.000-07:00

someone just said to me on im, "you were a lot cooler in 1997"

ouch.

also bridget just texted me and said that her waiter at Tortilla Flats is the "Dude your getting a Dell guy."

So if you go down to tortilla flats on a tuesday you might be able to get the "Dude your getting a Dell guy" to serve you guacamole and eat that guacamole and think about how the only thing the "Dude your getting a dell" guy will be remembered for is for saying "Dude your getting a dell."

ON a related note, I left Fox on after Seinfeld played at 7:30 to find myself immersed in the show, "The Lot." First off if you ever truly want to do something because deep down inside you feel like you were put on this earth to do that thing, never ever try to do it by winning a contest on a fake reality TV show. Second off for kids who think that film school is a breeze, watch this show because you will understand how emotionally taxing it is day in and day out to watch these bullshit kids with no talent make awful garbage and have failed or faltering superiors reward them for being mediocre.

There I said it.

IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED ALL OF SEASON 3 OF LOST OR DONT WANT TO HAVE THE SHOW RUINED DO NOT READ THIS

2007-06-08T13:10:00.001-07:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(PAUSE)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

FLASH FORWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????????

IM CLEANING OFF BITS OF BRAIN AND SKULL FROM MY COUCH RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY MIND JUST BLEW UP!!!!

ANOTHER ETERNITY TIL NEW EPISODES????

DAMN YOU ABC, DAMN YOU TO H. E. DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS

beat up kids

2007-06-07T17:50:00.000-07:00

(photo by jon barlow)

there should be a film thats a comedy where two people who are the last people on earth that are qualified for raising children are forced to raise a baby and in the montage where they are learning how to do it and change the baby and when they change the baby it pees in their face.

ahahahaha

i should be running movie studios

in all seriousness sorry for the lack of posts, i assure you that we are working on something fun and new and good and you will like it better, so keep with it, on the reals

Going Mach 5

2007-05-30T22:04:00.000-07:00

hellooooooooooo nurse.

i never thought i would say this but the movie "the break up" is pretty fucking funny.

i went to see "hot fuzz" today and that was hilarious.

Even more hilarious was that on the subway ride home there was this man with green and purple corn rows, who was wearing alien antennas, and beer goggles, playing free jazz saxophone at extremely high volumes in the train walking back and forth, some people were really mad but mike and I thought it was the best thing ever. I asked him what the deal was. He told me that one time he made it to the third round of call backs for the Sun Ra Arkestra and he has been jamming on the saxophone ever since his "space ship" landed on this planet.

Oh Free Jazz, you so crazy.

I'll leave you with this video that Jason sent out earlier in the week, its a little long but the first part of it is pretty fucking killer. Regular posting will resume but also be aware that strange things are afoot at the circle K. I can't tell you what that means, but it will be something good.

Nudie Magazine Day

2007-05-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

so yesterday elwood hipped me and the rest of the boys over at MBS to some new movie treats courtesy of www.themoviebox.net,

First up is a link to the film, "Control" about Joy Division, its in black and white and it looks unreal. I know this is just a small clip but I feel like this one is going to do the biopic thing the right way and not make it too melodramatic or too much like behind the music. You know the deal, person or group starts out young and innocent, they break into the business, get to live their dreams, then realize its not everything that they hoped for, go crazy have problems with drugs alcohol etc, crash and burn, then redemption. Gross. So hopefully this won't go down this type of road.
Click here to view scene from "Control"

Next we have a bunch of scenes from "No Country for Old Men" the new Coen brothers film. Holy shit this looks like the heat is back on, oh man. I got chills. Since the last few movies weren't on par with their previous efforts I feel like this might be the one that brings them back to solid town.
Click here so view scenes from "No Country for Old Men"

Also last night we were looking for Anti Drug PSAs and Lucas came across this:

Oh shit and then we have this, the 3 minutes from the new "Rambo" movie. Yes, I just typed new Rambo movie. Check out the scene where he makes a guy explode with a machine gun.

Take Back the Night

2007-05-23T14:36:00.000-07:00

Everything I know about women I learned from Maxim magazine.

Girls really like it when you massage their footballs.

The bigger stereo you have, the better orgasms you can give to women.

The only thing that makes girls have a million more orgasms than that is if you have a really nice car which you only drive really fast while listening to "Jamies Crying" by Van Halen.

The quickest way into a girls pants is through her football.

They love when you say things like, "I have pre mature ejaculation problems so I hope you have orgasms really quick" or something like "I love hot dogs but I hate eating them cause all I can think about it my dong" cause that makes THEM think about your dong.

Girls secretly hate two things: when guys pay for food on a date and when you ask them to sleep over afterwards.

So if you stick to these guidelines, you will get a lot of women.

I challenge anyone to prove me wrong.

when you were mine

2007-05-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

Isn't it awesome how things are on the internet.

Computers man, computers.

If only they could somehow combine sandwiches and computers, life would be a lot better.

I found these following videos while on a computer, some while eating a sandwich.

Taylor sent me this link to the new Beastie Boys video, its off their new instrumental album. Now before you roll your eyes at the jam band noodleness of most "instrumental" albums, don't forget that this is the Beastie Boys we are talking about. Guess what? It fucking kicks assssssss. This summer they are going on tour and they are going to play two shows in each city, one smaller show where they do the playing instruments thing, and a bigger show in a huge venue where they are gonna rip rap rippity rap, rap rap rap it up. Here is the video for the song "Off the Grid"

Next up we have this quasi Gapish commercial by Feist for her single "1234." But Color coordinated outfits and synchronized dancing mixed with the honey drenched voice of this Canadian, now thats a whole different story. See for yourself.

Also I wanted to clear this up because yesterday Stereogum posted this new Blonde Redhead video(which by the way why are you not listening to that album right now? it is unbelievable, on the reals, like so so good, seriously, like im not kidding) wait ok, so they posted this video and all they wrote was: "This girl probably kicks ass at yoga and staring contests."

Well played, sir.

Since blogs rarely if ever do any fact checking beyond a google or wikipeida search, because they aren't real journalists, I would like to clarify that this video was directed by Mike Mills and it stars his girlfriend, the talented Miranda July.

And if it isnt too much to ask, I would recommend you watch the first episode of "Flight of the Conchords" which HBO has posted online. For anyone who hasnt gotten drunk with me in the past few years, Flight of the Conchords are two dudes from New Zealand who make funny.

You can view it by clicking on these words.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrel

2007-05-21T18:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the absence. You try moving your life across the country.

I saw this today at a store, its a ghetto blaster that plays records:

(photos by joey syta)

It also has needles on both sides so you dont need to flip the record over. Thats pretty dope.
Its 500 dollars. Thats not so dope.

Then I saw this:

So cool it doesn't even need sleeves.

I'll leave you with a joke told to me by Alfredo as I am writing this:

What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me "one" with everything.

recap

2007-05-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

so i got home thursday night and here is what happened since I got home:

Thursday night I got pizza.

Joey was trying to give everyone playing poker Handjobs.

cornbready

Friday night was insane, at some point everyone took their shirts off, people shot off fire extinguishers, the fire dept came with ladders, the police came twice, I lost my voice, everybody freaked out until 6:30 in the morning and I ended up in jail (no joke) until Alfredo picked me up on his scooter.

Saturday night LCD soundsystem at studio B,more chaos ensued, then we went to union pool where mike fell in a trashcan and then we went to a rooftop post BBQ jam til 8 in the morning.

Sunday - kickball and then the movie shortbus which features actual fucking and rooftop movie night hosted by lucas.

Monday - karaoke jam at capones

tuesday - B, B Beaver Boys. We repainted rage mountain purple. new BBQ joint Fat Sal's opened up down the street, feels like heaven,

i do have to say though i am a little freaked out on the inside because this place is the complete opposite of LA, in so many ways and im totally overwhelms and i miss a lot of people,

this is why sometimes i wish the movie multiplicity was real.

2007-05-10T22:58:00.000-07:00

Where did Prince Charles go on his honeymoon?

Indiana.

Hot Dawg

2007-05-09T14:01:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, Griffith Park, which is right where I live, burned for about 12 hours starting at 1PM. At dusk as the sun was setting, the flames started getting bigger and bigger. We were forced to evacuate our house so we went over to Otto and Taylor and Gavin's place, got some beers, and sat on the roof watching LA burned down. It was pretty intense right before we left because it was night, we lost power, there were a bunch of helicopters flying over head as the noises of sirens and honking cars filled the air. Seeing the flames so close against the backdrop of palm trees seriously made me feel like I was in "Apocolypse Now."

Today I coughed out a black ball of phlegm.

Tomorrow I'm flying home.

You see that shampoo bottle?

2007-05-07T23:12:00.000-07:00

In the news: HBO's "Entourage" has started a new season and in last night's episode, Drama bought a race horse.

In related news: The writers of "Entourage" have run out of ideas.

Then in "Are you fucking serious" news we have this:

look out for the commercial on TV, they dont have it on youtube yet, but its even better than this.

Just the facts

2007-05-04T17:28:00.000-07:00

big weekend so lets keep this brief:

Holy shit, Holy fucking shit. Where did this come from? I am freaking out. Its like someone hooked up a 4 track to my party dream.

Totally Micheal - Death Hill (Over and Over) (zshare link)

Then earlier in the week Emily blew my mind by showing me these kids who live in the woods (literally) in western Pennsylvania and freak each other out with boredom and electronic music and homemade drugs. This is going to be good.

Black Moth Super Rainbow - Forever Heavy (zshare link)

I got a ticket too by the way. Its fucking on!

Have you seen that movie Star Wars? People tell me I look like Han Solo

2007-05-03T23:42:00.000-07:00

And the hits keep coming.

Today I went into the store to get a drink while I was waiting for my torta (full LA taco review to come) and I was stuck in between two euro jock frat bro hosers deciding which drink to get.

One opened his pie hole and said (in reference to Rockstar energy drink):

"Hey man I think I'm gonna have a Rocksteezy"

(wait for it)

"Do they have diet?"

Fuck yeah!!!

Then on line to pay his partner in bro crime got a pack of American Spirits, cause "they are organic, so like they are good for you."

My mom informed me this morning that Slayer and Marilyn Manson are playing a show together at PNC. We need to go, if not just for the parking lot scene that will assemble for this holy event. Who wants to go?

Lenny showed me the way to this today and I gotta say it looks like the dudes at Robot Chicken have slayed it. They are doing an all star wars episode with Mark Hamil (kinda hard not to invite cause he just shows up at anything that has the words Star or Wars in it) and then George Lucas is in it too. Check out this preview clip where the Family Guy guy does what he does:

Mail Order Bride of Frankenstein

2007-05-02T21:57:00.000-07:00

(click to enlarge to see detail)

I found this in a vintage Playboy I was reading this morning on the hot seat. How fucking awesome is that. First off a merkin is a wig for your parts that you wear when you are laying the pipe and dont want the girl to know you are bald in the jock. Second, was this the article that might have been the reason that people started cutting up the white with baby laxative thus making the Unicorn Dust hangover chock full of trips to the bathroom? Gross.

In "Risky Business" Joel, played by a young Tom Cruise, is focused on not hurting his mom's most valued possession, her glass egg. He goes through leaps and bounds to try to protect it, even turning his house in a brothel for teenage boys. And then after he buys back all of his parent's things from Joe Pantoliano, he tries so desperately to catch it and then finally his parents come home and what does his mom say? "i'm disappointed in you."

Thats what that dude was afraid of?

What a pussy.

Side conversation: for anyone that watches AmerNeToMod (America's Next Top Model for those of you who don't know) Isn't Tyra Banks out of her mind ? Does she wake up every day and eat a big bowl of looney toon pills? What up?

Heres to 151!

2007-05-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

"Then we had to talk to that girl from Speed"

"You mean Sandra Bullock?"

"Uhhh, umm, no, I mean that movie about speed."

Justice and the Ed Banger crew rolled through LA last night and slayed the crowd on a Monday night. A-Trak and Peaches showed up to perform as well. Remember when everyone thought that Peaches was a post op? Tonight Flosstradamus and Spank Rock played a free 18+ show and apparently the line was so long, we didnt even show up. Im a little bummed out because Muscles was opening up and I really really wanted to see him play, but I'm sure he will be around again very soon since he signed to Modular which owns good music right now.

I made a myspace bulletin about this video but im going to repost it here because I think everybody needs to watch it ( i like to think to myself that this man is living somewhere inside my brain, it would help to explain a lot):

I'm sorry for posting advertising but when commercials are funnier then TV shows that are supposed to be funny you got to.Whitest Kids U Know: I'm talking to you

also taylor hipped me to this video by Bumblebeez for "Dr. love", es muy bueno

Here is to 150!!!

2007-04-27T20:17:00.000-07:00

this is the 150th post ever on here which is kinda crazy because for anyone who knows me I never usually do what I say I am going to do.

Also we finished the movie today?

Thats cool.

Gravy Train!!!! - Hella Nervous (zshare link)

This was my favorite song they played from the show last week which was a ton of fun. They will be on tour this summer so go check that shit out cause its like an all night party rolling from town to town. With jockstraps.

Love is All - Aging Had Never Been His Friend (zshare link)

The new issue of ANP is out. Its got Phyllis Diller on the cover and there is a great article on Todd P in it as well. There is also an in depth look at the label Whats Your Rupture label which reminded of how much I always loved this album. Its chock full of jams. Hooray!

Also I think you need to know that a Rage Mountain reunion show is in the works so clear out your calendars for a Friday near you.

Employee of the Month

2007-04-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

Once a month we give someone the award "Employee of the Month." This is the first month we will be giving it away and the first winner is this dude:

Thats right! David Krumholtz is the first "Employee of the Month"

Throughout the years Krumholtz has directly and sometimes indirectly made us laugh with his characters in films and movies who are all based on actual Jewyness. This man is pure method acting at its finest. He takes his nebbishness to the limit with every character he inhibits. Its almost like there is a tiny Jewish grandpa living inside of him. All the while being proud of who he is and not changing his name to something less jewy, I'm looking at you Winona Ryder or should I say Winona Horowitz???? Or You Bob Dylan or should I say Bobby Zimmerman???

Who can forgot his humble beginnings as the asshole kid actor in "Life with Mikey" with Marty from "Back to the Future"

Well the hilarity didn't stop there.

Go in your brain to your memories of "Addams Family 2" and you immediately think of Krumholtz as the nerdy jew with a penchant for antibiotics getting it on with Christina Ricci. Hot dawg!

Then dude played the ultimate wing man in "10 things I hate about you" he even let that dude draw a wiener on his face just so his BFF could bang Alex Mack. That is they type of guy you want to be in your corner.

Add in a few awesome cameos from Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared and other various comedies and this dude has showed his chops. Its all on the table. Read em and weep, Sonnnnnn!.

"That Shrimp Was Off The Chain"

2007-04-25T23:06:00.000-07:00

The above quote was indirectly overheard by me at dinner tonight.

The guilty party - Picture your worst nightmare in your head saying this, then make that person a nerd with glasses.

I don't think I need to even tell you what was making me oh so very cold in this situation.I thought I was fine until I saw that the guy he was talking to had a soul patch and a pony tail.

Double Yikes.

You know how Nicholas Cage has that movie coming out called "Next" where he can predict what will happen "next"?

Well I have the same exact talent when it comes to predicting what the next Nicholas Cage movie will be.

The answer is always "a steaming pile of shit."

Yo, the serial killer is in 4E

2007-04-24T23:23:00.000-07:00

on Saturday we went to see Gravy Train!!!! and I gotta say that it was a fun time party show indeed. Its rare that you see kids in LA freaking out here at live shows and they had the crowd pumped. They will be on tour this summer to promote their new album and I think if they come to your area you would have a good time if you went to see them. Swear

Speaking of shows everyone here is getting excited for Coachella, all I have to say is two words: Burning Man. Sure Coachella may have your Bajorks and the people who are the new soundtrack to Space Mountain at Disneyland (RHCP) but you know what they dont have?

Balls. Burning Man is all about balls, literally. I mean its the fucking desert, it gets hot.

Anywho here are my top three personal memories from Burning Man.

3. Getting completely naked except for a huge Cat in the Hat hat on my head, eating acid dipped shrooms, sticking a glow stick in my butt, and running around like Tinkerbell until my friend slaps me in the face and says, "Dude relax, we haven't even gotten in the car yet."

2. After eating Crystal Meth Ecstasy, I partied with the actual twin ghost girls from the Shining who challenged me to a sand castle building contest, they won, but then they let me go double or nothing on a game of Guess Who? and I won so they let me keep my soul.

1. On the last night when they actually burn the wooden dude down, Tupac and Dr. Dre showed up and it turned into the video for "California Love." Next thing you know, aliens come down from outer space and start shooting these green lasers out into the crowd beaming people into space. It was kinda like the "Waiting for Tonight" J. Lo video, just with more choreographed dancing. The next thing I know I wake up in the middle of the desert inside a cactus.

Totally rad and true.

Sultan Lotion

2007-04-23T15:52:00.000-07:00

Aaron showed this to me a few weeks ago, its a two part soap opera and Tori Spelling is in it. And Jeremy Scott made it. So thats like three awesome things.

For the thrilling conclusion here is part two:

Also Did Anyone see Camron on 60 minutes last night? It was pretty epic.
Full video:

All The While The Slime Was Under The Building

2007-04-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

Rich sent this to me and I had to put it up here cause I love Daft Punk, its a video showing where they got the samples from for a few of their songs:

Its funny how when P Diddy samples he is just ripping someone off every time but on the other hand people like Daft Punk use sampling to best of their ability and are able to create something new. That is why they are th best and P Diddy is the worst. Its simple .

The Glamour - Kidz Night (zshare link)

I have been blasting this song on repeat lately. Its from these two kids out in and im not sure if I am saying this right, Meelaywahhhkaay in Wissssconnnnnsonnnnnnnnnn. Its a jam. I still like it even though I asked them if they wanted to party out at Rage Mountain and they decided to play MisHAPS instead. Its all good though, Im just playing.

Prince - Cream (z share link)

I woke up to this song this morning and proceeded to play it four times in a row. This is for everyone who is single and likes to mingle, Hey! Make sure you play this song in your head tonight while you are trying to find someone to poke or get poked by. It will help.

"I'm not going to shoot you in the state you are in!" "What do you mean? The state of California?"

2007-04-19T17:51:00.001-07:00

i am writing this from the warner brothers studio lot, we are on a huge sound stage mixing the film and its a trip. also i parked my car underneath the water tower where the Anamaniacs live.

so yesterday i took off a day from BL and helped shoot a video for a friend for a popular LA band which shall remain nameless. It was a great shoot and I had fun doing it but, Boy Howdy was there some hilarious things going on in this scenario.

1. One of the band members had the same name as me, yet he still asked me five times what my name was.

2. For a band that had built up some momentum for talking so much shit all the time on everyone in the music business, these dudes were really short and they all wore shoes with heels. Yikes.

3. The drummer was "the funny one" and definitely on more than three occasions did that thing where you hit the snare and cymbal after someone makes a joke, TO ALL OF HIS OWN JOKES. He also spent the better part of the day playing with a black dildo like he had never seen a dick before in his life.

4. There was this girl there who was the singer of another LA band which shall also go nameless and was the biggest most obnoxious girl I have ever met in my life. It was so ridiculous it went to the point of hilarity. Para exampla: Whining about there not being food and air conditioning while also whining about not being able to walk in with the band (for the video) even though she is not in the band. Her awful nasal tone is something I will not soon forget.

5. Someone related to the band (a dude) was putting on make up all day and then walking around with his shirt off to reveal (I swear I am not making this up) a life sized tattoo of the female reproductive system (uterus and fallopian tubes included) where it would be on his body if he wasa girl.

Think about that for a second.

Yeaaaaaaaah.

Speaking of tattoos Mike Maltman has jumped into the ring with a rad tattoo tribute to his favorite writer who recently passed away. Maybe if you ask nicely he will rub it on you so you can get some awesome all up on yourself.

Seeing this got me made me immediately go out and get that tattoo that I always dreamt about having of my favorite band. Check it out. Whose is better? To that I say, "Its not about that, its not a contest."

2007-04-17T14:36:00.000-07:00

This is an accurate representation of how I feel inside right now.

You Can't Handle the Tooth

2007-04-12T23:39:00.000-07:00

Everyone at Rutgers is a nappy headed ho. Even the branch campuses.

There, I said it.

LA Kids: Do you wanna have some fun? Then do what you know you should do and come get sloppy on Friday.

All My Exes Live In Texas

2007-04-11T21:30:00.000-07:00

art by donny miller

This has got to be a landmark week for people who have the ability to lactate. Hey Ladies!!!

Ashliegh Deemer from (arm)Pittsburg pointed me in the direction to this new wonder invention:

http://www.enzara.com/

Once again like yesterday's post, I don't want to know how she found her way to this, but holy shit doctors are straight killing it these days. First they use stem cells to cure diabetes, now this?!?!?!

Ladyparts are kinda like beer.

When you are a young kid and you try beer for the first time you hate it, it tastes gross. You might even say the word, "Yuck" out loud. But you want to get drunk so you force yourself to like it until eventually you cant get enough of the damn thing. Well, you see, vaginas are the same thing.

Kids these days have it easy, what with all the wi-fi and their mikes hard lemonades, and now vagina smell taking away pills.

Seriously which team of scientists who dedicated their life to science saw this an unsolved problem that needed to be solved. "hey this smelly vagina problem is where all the real money is"

If Matthew McConaughey's character from "Dazed and Confused" knew about this he would probably be spinning in his grave right now.

Also if you take notice one of the catch phrases is "The Enzara Difference is Inside-Out"
Well done.

Now if only they could make a pill that would not make your balls smell five minutes after you get out of the shower, then I might cry a tear of joy.

Baby Mama Dramarama

2007-04-10T16:54:00.000-07:00

Its kinda creepy when you see that a dude teacher you had in high school is on IM.

Its even creepier when you see that he is on IM at 3 in the morning on a school night.

Its the creepiest that he could be reading this right now as we speak cause my away message is the link to this page.

That gives me the douche willies.

uhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhh so I get this in my inbox this morning from Alex Monroe.

http://www.femalefreedom.ca/

Holy Shit. Ladies, the glass ceiling has been shattered and this little device is the brick that did it. Welcome, I can't begin to tell you how much fun it is to take a piss standing up. Sometimes it can even be the high light of the day. Now you can enjoy the feeling you get from crossing streams with someone else. You can now have pee wars with your boyfriend. Also why do you think the lines are so fucking long for the girls room at bars and things??? Besides rampant brocaine intake, it takes an hour and a day for girls to orchestrate a peeing with all that shitting and toilet paper laying and hovering and what nots. Geez I dont know what you call that darn thing but whoever invented did not factor these things into the equation.

Plus look at how cool you look using it:

She looks like she is having a blast. Literally.

On the Laugh O Meter, I gotta say Gabe over at Commedia Dell'farte is at an eleven daily. Check that shit out but make sure you don't have liquid in your mouth because you will spit it out on your computer.

Anyway I was going to post this on Friday but blogger deleted it without telling me.

Max from Viewers Like U sent me these two links that I enjoy very much and they make laughs come out of my mouth hole. Also if you have some time I highly recommend checking out the video on that page, "Reyner Banham Loves Los Angeles." Its a treasure.

This first video is from an episode of the best show ever COPS. It is a midget in Las Vegas running away from the cops. However this clip ends with the cop getting the midget a job. Very rare scenario from this show.

The next one is the trailer to the move "The Ten" directed by David Wain. I haven't heard anything too awesome about this movie but this trailer is quite the romp. Also its on this new networking site that I dont think I like.

Sorry for the inconsistency of the posts. Its just sometime I get so scared. Also I have been moving and we are finishing the movie so now we back on regular. I prematurely called it last week. My bad yo.

The Donkey Lips Workout Plan

2007-04-04T20:24:00.000-07:00

(photo by Don Piano)

Isn't this photo of my house totally weird? Doesn't t look like a reverse vampire lives there?

Isn't it also weird when you have iTunes on shuffle and something comes on and it brings you back to a time that you really weren't in the mood to remember?

EXAMPLE:

Robert Miles - Children

Oh Boy. Robert Miles was the go to make out tape I would put on in eighth grade when I was trying to score with a lady in my basement. And by trying to score I mean pressing my hard on against her in hopes she would actually touch the damn thing. Oh there also may or may have not been a black light on in the room at the time as well.

Smashing Pumpkins - Disarm

I was probably in one of those "Why do parents have to be such jerks?" mood while reading a copy of Disney Adventures Magazine.

Bjork - Human Behaviour

Making shitty arts and crafts thinking I was a unique and talented by gluing White Castle microwavable hamburger boxes to my wall. They are still there as a reminder. You live, you learn.

Anything off of the Ultra Chilled Compilation

See Robert Miles - Children from above. Just add 4 years to that scenario and you will get a good idea of what was going on. How can you throw away a move as good as that?

Growing Up is Weird.

Under Cover Brother Knows Karate

2007-04-03T20:23:00.000-07:00

(photo by O. Arsenault)

Sorry for being out, LA almost burned down to the ground while I was gone. I was out of the country for a few days and since we have returned we are trying to tame this elusive beast we call Beautiful Losers.

I went down to Mexico to a town called Rosarito.
I went down to Meixco to a town called Rosarito for the last three days of spring break.
I went down to Mexico to a town called Rosarito for the last three days of spring break for people who LIVE IN THE OC!!!!

Now I know where they find all of the people who inhabit such mind melting programs as NEXT and Date My Mom and all that crappy flimflammery. Problem solved.

Seriously though it was an awesome awesome time. Things that are legal and bountiful in Mexico:
Pills
Guacamole
Fireworks
More Pills
Fish Tacos
Tequila

Hooray

On the way back it took us 5 hrs to go twenty miles but we were entertained by fire eaters and children juggling, and puking out of the back of the van and yelling, "Spring Break!!!" like it was our fucking jobs.

Back to regular posting from now on.

Bad news - No Patrick Wolf in LA, visa issues, Super super bummed out. But instead Andrew WK is throwing and all night party tonight. Totally rad

Don't poop in my butt and call it hot chocolate.

These Drugs Aren't Going To Pay For Themselves

2007-03-28T22:12:00.000-07:00

(photo by some dude named Otto Arsenal.)

Tonight after dinner when I went to my car, there was another car in front of me whose license plate read "KalPenn"
I wonder whose car it could have been?

So remember how yesterday I was all sad and bitching about Patrick Wolf? And how I was going to miss him? Well last night I saw a poster for a show he is doing HERE IN LA NEXT TUESDAY!!!!

Thats a whole three days before his New York shows.

Can you deal with that America? Fuck Yeah!

Speaking of dealing with that, I woke up this morning and watched the movie "Falling Down" which is about with that dude that puts babies in Catherine Feta Cheese-Jones who is finally fed up with shitty things about LA and all the traffic and unbearable heat and racial tension and just life ya know man, and fucking snaps and goes crazy bat shit on gangsters, Nazis, store owners, the Cops, ex wives, municipal workers, Robert Duvall, fast food places, pretty much everyone.
Then I sat in traffic for two hours.
This was probably one of the worst combinations of events that you should do, ever, under any circumstances.

Maybe next i'll watch Swingers and go to all the shitty bars they go to in the movie and be like "Show Me the Money, Baby!"

Wait, is that that movie?

Also Pantera - Vulgar Display of Power still fucking rules as much as it did when I was in fourth grade.

Also Also my mom cant buy me a Daft Punk ticket cause she is away from the computer so if anyone is waking up to buy one, please get at me cause I want you to get me one. Ill give you money.
Ill even give you a back rub,

Fine a back rub with release.

You Happy? Ending?

Im a laugh riot

RSVPenis

2007-03-27T19:25:00.000-07:00

photo by O. Arsenault

Second Chance Tuesdays
This is where I change my opinion on things that I might have judged a little too hastily initially.

"Broken Flowers" - dir. Jim Jarmusch, Color, 95 min, USA 2005.
Initial Feelings - I was really excited to see this movie, I even rushed my white ass over to the Angelika which is known for shitty movie experiences to catch this film opening weekend. When the screen faded to black for the last time, I had one of those really serious "What the Fuck" moments out loud. A movie where nothing happens? Well done sir.

New Feelings - I watched this on the TV the other day and I gotta say, Well Done sir. I must have had too high expectations for this in the theater and maybe I was a little fussy that day. This movie is pretty fucking funny and well acted. The subtleties in the characters and stories were much more apparent upon second viewing. I have to say I really like this movie now.

"The Rapture - Pieces of the People" We Love, 2006
Initial Feelings - Dude where is all the pantie dropping, sweat inducing dance jams?

New Feelings - Oh there they are.

The other night I realized that one of my favorite musicians Patrick Wolf looks exactly like the gay art brother in "Wedding Crashers"
See:

YOU JUST GOT CALLED OUT SONNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry. You see I really really love Patrick Wolf and have for the past few years. I have always wanted to see him live and I found out this morning when I checked my email that he was playing a free show in NYC next weekend April 5th at Hiro.
Fuck.
And on top of that Does it Offend You Yeah are DJing.
Double Fuck.

Anyway if you are in NYC go here to RSVP.

Also LA - those Daft Punk tickets are pretty much sold out, so if thats a sign, New York I would make sure you get your tickets as soon as they go on sale on Saturday at 11AM. I will be away in Mexico so I am going to make my mom get me one. Yeah my affair with Daft Punk is that serious.

Also also thanks for downloading my podcast mix. I hope you enjoyed it. If you like it let your friends in on it too. Thanks

Remember when I said I was gonna do that thing that time? Well I did it.

2007-03-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

I finally got my shit together and made another podcast. I got kinda drunk and recorded it and it came out. Please download it. Its mostly a mix of party jams and things that make you go hmmmmmmmmm. So please enjoy. And if you like it tell someone about it, unless that someone is the police, Stop Snitchin'. Thanks

Cover/Tracklist

You can download it if you click here or here or here or here or here but not here.

Also I just found out that I threw up on St. Patricks Day. How cliche is that?

Also Also dont forget to get your Daft Punk tickets tomorrow

Rocks, Papers, Scissors Sisters, Shoot.

2007-03-20T23:20:00.000-07:00

(photo by Otto Arsenault)

Don't vote.

Actually only vote if they let Bill Clinton be president again.

That dude loved blowjobs.

Are You The One?

2007-03-19T23:35:00.000-07:00

All photos by Otto Arsenault editor and photographer at large who is the new photographer for the blog. rad.

What? What did you say?

Can you blow me where the pampers is?

I can't here you because my ears are blown out from the Crystal Castles/Presets show from Saturday night.
(this next part should be read in a valley girl tone)

Oh. My God.

(end valley girl tone)

The only other time I have freaked out like that was when Justice and MSTRKRFT played on Halloween and that was pretty much inevitable. I am still sore from the show, i think i was jumping around for like two hours. I was nervous about Crystal Castles but they brought their A game and turned it out and turned it up. It was incredible and make sure you get front and center for their show because it makes all the difference. After we got back from the show we went to a rave. There was an office room, there was a cage room, their was a bedroom. What was with all the rooms? I should not have asked. Turns out the rave was in a porn studio. That explains the smell...and all the drains all over the place.

Double Yikes.

My organs hurt a lot.

I would like the say a special thank you to my liver and my kidneys who helped me get through this weekend. Without you, I don't know where I would be.

also to anyones myspace profile I molested with youtubery, my bad, but not really and I think I posted all Dipset videos on my roommates pages. Awesome.

Also look out in April when we have a special show with my favorite band who isnt Daft Punk at Rage Mountain.

Also also new podcast will be ready on Friday. Its a doozy.

Where Are Your Friends Tonight?

2007-03-16T01:28:00.000-07:00

I have always loved Tracy Morgan. He was an unsung hero on SNL and he is also an under appreciated comedian. Whenever people get loose on TV it makes me smile ear to ear, thats why I love this clip doubly. Its of Tracy Morgan on some stupid local TV in Texas. LADIES!!! MY MERCEDES!!!

Without skipping a beat he says Lorne Michael's is Obi Wan Kenobi, and SNL is like the Dagobah System!!!!! Holy Fuck!!!!!

Even better? The rarely seen "Blackass" Lenny showed this to me today and it shows his genius even more.

And then there was Astronaut Jones:

DID I MAKE A PODCAST WHILE I WAS DRUNK????

I got some Shazbot on your shirt, sorry.

2007-03-14T20:17:00.000-07:00

Things I wish were real:

1.A magazine about food where you could tear off each page and eat it and it would taste exactly like the food on that page.

2. A Neve Campbell Best of DVD which showcased the greatest moments in her illustrious career.

3. A machine that would erase everybody's memory about all the fucked up shit Micheal Jackson did so people would still see him as only the King of Pop.

4. That the Post Office would make a new rule that made stamps ILLEGAL and that you didnt need to use stamps for ANYTHING anymore and you could just put anything you wanted in a mailbox, attach an address to it, and it would get there fast and easy.

5. I wish eBay would add another form of payment for items. That form of payment should be hugs.

6. I wish the Olympics Committee would finally wake up and recognize Writing on Drunken Passed Out People as an official sport for the next Summer Olympic games. Once that happens we can find a way to bring John Candy back to life so he can coach the team.

7. I wish there was a toll free national number that anyone could call that would automatically Prank Call Zach Braff and he had to answer every time someone called.

I also wish that the trend of cell phones getting smaller would be reversed and they would start getting larger and larger again so you need a backpack to carry them around in. Plus if you think that bedazzled phones look awesome now, can you imagine what huge cell phones would look like bedazzled? Grills would be walking around with large disco balls to their ears and when the sun hit it in the right way it would be an instant party. I think I might be getting way ahead of myself.

That is all.

Flea Market Gold

2007-03-13T20:05:00.000-07:00

Every month, once a month, there is a flea market unlike any other flea market in the world. It is called the Rose Bowl and it is fucking killer. You even have to pay to get in. A few months ago I was there rifling through an old mans wares when I came upon a box. What I would discover inside this box would change my life forever. You see, that day I found a huge box of old Super 8mm porno. The above photo is the box from one of the reels. I implore you to click on the image so you can fully grasp the glory of the cover art, the design and font. The box art alone was enough for me to trip out on for awhile. But then my quest turned to finding a projector so I could discover what was on these reels. This weekend we bought a projector. Holy Shit. There is so much crazy porno on those reels. Amazing amazing shots, set design, characters and what they lack in plot and dialogue they make up for in pure boner points. Money Mark left one of his keyboards in the kitchen and everyday at dusk, we gather round the projector to screen a reel or two while we take turns making live score to the pornos. It is heaven.

Icing on the cake?
My friend is working on something with Suge Knight. I cant tell you what it is but when it is made public you will not be able to ignore it. Anyway he called him yesterday and put it on speaker phone. I got to listen to the voice of the gnarliest dude ever on the planet as he talked business. I was like a little school girl. He is having a party tonight and I hope I can make it and ask him if I can take a picture with him.

Double Icing?
Mark pointed out this video, you can watch the youtube clip of it, but it doesnt do it any justice. I recommend clicking here to view the hi-res version. Its pretty rad.

Cornelius - Fit Song

Party Time!

2007-03-09T16:17:00.000-08:00

On August 9th, my life long dream will come true.

Daft Punk is playing at Keyspan Park in New York City.

Holy Fuck!

Daft Punk is my favorite group in the world and has been ever since sixth grade when I bought Homework on tape. It was always my dream to see them play live. I even almost flew out to Coachella last year to see them play but I didn't when I found out it would cost money, real actual money. I have already decided that I am going to the show completely sober because then I wont have to waste time waiting in line to buy beer or urinate on piss stained event bathroom floors. I can't fucking wait. Unless I'm still here in California.....

But that brings up another point. Don't you remember when you were younger and you went to see shows just to freak out and have a good time? Now when you go to larger shows or festivals its mostly spent waiting on lines for things that cost way too much money just because they are within the inside of a makeshift fence. The rest of your time is spent roaming around trying to find your friends. And no one is ever in the same place at the same times, ever. What the fuck ever just happened to going to see a band?

Money Mark's album finally came out this week. Its called Brand New by Tomorrow and its a scorcher. Its completely the opposite of everything I have been listening to lately and I couldn't be happier. Its definitely a really special record. This song is one of my favorites from the album. Its about growing up, when your parents would fight, you would try to pretend that you were asleep so you didnt have to hear it or be involved. Its heavy. Go out there and get this record. You will not be disappointed.

Money Mark - Pretend to Sleep (zshare link)

Next we have a track from Curtis Vodka. He has be more known for his remix work lately. But I found this on an EP he did last year. The beautiful thing is that dude takes Bmore booty house and takes way all the annoying things like dumb vocals and annoying melodies and replaces them with soulful keyboards and smooth vocals all the while keeping the groove intact so you could still freak out about it on the dancefloor. Perfect.

Curtis Vodka - Mary Jane 2006 (zshare link)

Have a good weekend. Daylight savings time means longer days. That is a very very good thing unless you are a reverse vampire. Then that kinda sucks for you.

Oh yeah, people in Brooklyn and NYC go see Crystal Castles at Studio B. They are the most amazing fucked up damaged 8 bit dance music group you will ever hear. They will be out here in LA next weekend. I hope they are as good live as they sound on record.

Is that a youtube sock in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

2007-03-08T15:44:00.000-08:00

Bon Jovi was at my local taco stand yesterday.
Just Jon.
He ate two taquitos and left.

I feel like in the past few days people have been sending me youtube gold.

First off we have Heloise's clip from The Graham Norton show last week when they got flown to London, England to play on the TV screen. Holy shit. Are you going to SXSW next week? Are you going to see them? (Yes, you are.)

Mike Maltman from BK sent this little musical number in last week. I have no idea how he found it. Nor do I want to know.

Max from Viewers Like U sent this around the other day, it is somehow related to that last video. It has spandex and it takes place on a gym mat.

A. Rose from RVCA ANP sent this. Its home video footage of a nice couple getting directions from a crazy local. Wait til he starts yelling BAM! The wait a little more til he starts talking about his dick.

He also showed me this video. Apparently Dipset has a rollerblade team? Somehow crack rap and rollerblading make perfect sense. Maybe its the crack.

Saucy Susan sent me this of video of Tampa, Florida's own Sondra Prill. The Jewel of the South. She has a voice that could charm an entire nation. Also if you like this look out for her rendition of Nasty Boys and Pump Up the Jam.

Nancy Pants sent this to me when she had a second to spare at work. Its a instructional disco video IN FINNISH!

I watch this video before I do anything. Its a motivational tool that makes you want to get out in the real world and be someone.

And if your brain isnt fried enough, watch this. We got this dudes animation reel last year and it was amazing. Now he is doing stuff for super deluxe which is super rad.

You are like all the assholes from 80's movies combined

2007-03-07T22:37:00.000-08:00

Last Wednesday we went out for Jon and Rich’s birthday. First we met on Astronaut Street (no joke) for some shabu shabu. I had never eaten it before, and when we got to the restaurant they made me take off my shoes which wouldn’t have been a problem until I realized I had been wearing the same pair of socks for the past three days which also also happened to have huge holes in the heel gently exposing my delicate feet. It was a great entrance. Shabu Shabu is apparently Japanese for boiled meat bowl.

Eventually after that we ended up in K –Town at some weird outer space Karaoke joint. I don’t know what it is about karaoke places trying to make you feel like your room could launch into space at any moment. We had some hits and some misses but mostly hits. I do have to admit that I brought the house down with my version of “Gay Bar” by Electric Six. I wanna take you to a gay bar!

Then this weekend we went up to SF for the Noise Pop festival. The Donnas played a show Friday night to a packed Bottom of the Hill. It was an awesome show; all I can say is that the new stuff they have been doing is pretty intense, really big guitars, catchy vocals, its really good.

Then after the show the owners of the venue let us stay at the bar and get wasted, and then when everyone was really fucked up they served soup and grilled cheese. It was like they read our minds. But besides that, the best thing was that Arlo showed up with this guy:

Holy Shit. Do you remember this dude from the last time I was in SF?
Out of all the bars, in the all the world, why did he/she have to walk into mine?

Seriously though Arlo looked it straight in the eyes and asked, “Are you a tranny?”
Awesome.

I don’t have a picture of it but to all the dudes who try to out do each other with getting the best find at a thrift store all I have to say is Game Over. I won. Just trust me. I wont tell what it is but you will know when you see it.

Last night we went to see Lo Fi FNK. I had kinda low expectations just because the type of music they make usually isn’t done well live but they fucking killed it. The singer had the best shirky dance moves and the drummer rocked out on a three-piece v-drum kit. It was really fun and I encourage anyone to check them out when they roll through your hood.

Good times all around.

Also Kudos to Dan for successfully pulling off a roommate switch. I tip my hat to you good sir.

Promises of a Promise Keeper

2007-03-06T19:55:00.000-08:00

Hectic last two weeks, this dumb thing will be back in full effect with regular posting tomorrow, my bad yo!

Dirty Laundry Monsters: Or How I Became An Adult

2007-02-28T18:24:00.000-08:00

I would like to add another comparison that I forgot to include in yesterday's post. The band Oh No Oh My! sound a lot like another band called Crap My Pants Say Whoops!

Yeah i thought of that today and it was like when you have an argument and you think of the perfect thing to say to the person like an hour later or something. I hate that.

But what I dont hate is when rappers have tracks on their albums where it is a skit of them having sex with one, two, even three girls. They are always the most hilarious things, even funnier than all of the Jerky Boys albums combined. Like have you ever heard the one on the Pig Pun (R.I.P) album where two girls are fighting over his shit? It will make you pee your pants, especially when Pun starts trying to talk and he chokes on his own words. Best threesome ever. There are some other really good ones out there too so keep an ear out.

Oh wait I just realized I was gonna write about the best thing about the movie Titanic but its too late. Ill just have to do it tomorrow.

AND for those who think my only two words I use to describe things are rad and douche chill, you are wrong sir, wrong indeed. These are words I can also use to describe things:
1. delicious
2. awesome
3. really awesome
4. rad
5. silly
6. magnanimous
7. Amazon.com
8. not awesome
9. lame
10. poop fart

So there.

Also I forgot to mention that Patrick Wolf's new album just came out and like the last two its MAGNANIMOUS. Ha!

PS - When is that dude gonna get his shit together and come to America?

Bad Girls Club Fan Club President

2007-02-27T11:43:00.000-08:00

today Money Mark's album came out. If you like music you need to go out and get it because it is fucking incredible I promise you. It is just plain good music, its called "Brand New By Tomorrow" and it is everything you didnt expect. Whoooo.
So a few weeks back I posted about a band called Oh No! Oh My! I really liked there songs on my stereo a lot. Then I went to see them tonight. Fuck. I got hosed. They are totally a band for people who like white boy/jam band/ they might be giants/lousy rich kid/jumping on the current trend groups. Double yikes. You have to be wary of kids our age who have $10,000 dollars worth of expensive keyboards onstage. Triple yikes.

Has anybody been watching Awesome Show on Adult Swim?

Do you know about Gravy Robbers????

things weird about me:
I dont like pudding
I dont like jello
I cant whistle
I dont like pie

It is a very sad day when you wear through your underwear. It is even sadder when you dont do anything about it for three days so every time you bend over people only see the band of your underwear since its been ripped and there is a space between. My bad yo.

Ill leave you with some poetry that I found in my spam folder in my gmail:

Hi Huge orgies with double and triple penetrations,
rough anal and deep oral
everything is of glamour quality.
Milkman's Book
High-quality teen content wrapped in nice design solutions

If that doesnt move you, then you have no soul.

Tomorrow look out for a whole post dedicated to the best thing about the movie Titanic (and no it has nothing to do with Leonardo DiCaprio or Kate Winslet)

Also also I gotta tell you about how I rented out my room

Also also also Saucy Susan get at me please.

You Are Good At Playing Justice Songs

2007-02-23T17:16:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delay.

First off I am officially in a fight with any of my friends that have seen the movie "Grey Gardens." Why the fuck did you not force me to sit down and watch this movie sooner? Seriously, What the balls? Why were you hiding this from me? Come the fuck on? I'll let you make it up to me but its not gonna be easy. So since I am a good friend this is me telling, nay I am imploring all of my friends who haven't seen this documentary to immediately drop whatever you are doing even if you are a doctor and rent this movie. Its awesome.

Uhh next up, I was in this kinda fancy part of town the other night, not like rich out in the open fancy, i mean fancy like there are 4 smoothie stores on the block, there is a store that only sells stuff made of lava, and like a soul massage store. Also there is a Blockbuster. But the worst store is the one that sells new age yoga clothes and shit like for people of all ages. The amount of socks and Teva sandals is enough to make you vomit all over the place. But do you wanna know the worst part?
Get this: The store is named in part after the owner and it is called "SpirituAli."

Global Warming is bullshit because I just got the biggest douche chill this side of the Melting Polar Ice Caps. Yikes.

Also if it couldnt get any chillier there is a new comedy tour following in the footsteps of other HIlarious comedy tours such as the Original Kings of Comedy, The Original Latin Kings of Comedy, The Queens of Comedy, The Comedians of Comedy (which is actually fucking rad) but anyway the new one is called( I shit you not):
Fuck Yes.

Since no one downloaded the song I posted last weekend, I got two special songs for this week.
First off we have a new track from Chromeo which will hopefully be on their new album which is called Fancy Footwork (There is an mp3 floating around of that track too, its a dance pants classic). This one is really good too and I imagine that when the new album comes out it will be filled with dancefloor fillers and panty dropping killers.

Chromeo - Tenderoni (z share link)

Also Also I have an mp3 of CocoRosie covering that Kevin Lyttle song "turn me on" live from that video that I posted the other day. Its really catchy and you will play this song over and over in your stereo and your brain.

CocoRosie - Turn Me On (live) (z share link)

Have a good weekend, stay safe and remember to pull out.

Still Swamped

2007-02-21T23:48:00.000-08:00

There is so much shit to do to finish a movie before you have to give it away to the post house, you think you know but you have no idea. Today's videos are of Maria Bamford who is a hilarious comedian who doesnt have to only talk about her vagina to make you luagh, imagine that?

Awesome

2007-02-20T23:47:00.000-08:00

So Benny and Bridget and Alex left and I am still recovering from a rrrrrggggggvghjcd xdrtyfesdfyudeert6dyrecfghbnv cx, sorry I just got blood all over my key board, so it was an intense weekend and to add to the intensity we are trying to get a million things ready for the end of this film, almost there, so here are some good you tube stuff to tide you over til tomorrow, hopefully ill have some pics up here from the weekend as well.

Joey showed me this a while back and I was thinking about it today so here is Louie Barletta's section from the Enjoi video Bag of Suck. It might be the best section I have seen in a really really long time, this dude skates funny.

When I was back in BK, Gabe showed me this video of Cocorosie covering Kevin Lyttle "Turn Me On" and it is fucking insane, hopefully I will have the mp3 to post up here on friday,

Finally is a clip from a show I have been waiting forever to see, Tim and Eric's Awesome Show, Great Job which just started on Adult Swim. I laughed so hard a little bit of pee came out of my wiener. Make sure you pay extra special attention at one minute 30 seconds for the most amazing song ever. I dare you to not get it stuck in your head.

Sleep time

Sorry Dude We Already Have A Drummer

2007-02-16T19:59:00.000-08:00

So today is totally feeling like the last day of school. Finals week starts next week, but the movie is as done as it ever will be. Its also 80 degrees with blue skies which makes it feel like summer even more. Its nice, im not gonna lie. This is totally a feel good summer song which really captures my mood right now. Also its Capone and Noreaga rapping over a Primo beat. What a capital idea.

Capone and Noreaga - Invincible (zshare link)

Hey New York whats it like over there?

Sleeping Your Way to the Middle

2007-02-15T22:20:00.000-08:00

I hope everybody's J-Dates went well yesterday. I also hope that you tried really hard to really put the VD into Valentines Day.

Things That Would Be Weird if they existed:

Meat faucet - a faucet on your sink that when you turn it on, meat comes out of it.

Ill think of more but right now thats the only one coming to mind.

Do you remember assholes that you went to high school with who had "systems" in their cars? You might have heard things like, "Yeah I put a box in the trunk, its got 20" woofers and a bazooka and my head unit is real dope."

First off it made your car sound like an idiot, and did you really want to let everyone in your town know that you listened to Webster Hall's Tranzworld Volume 3 that badly? Your head unit has dolphins swimming on it? Thats cool. You put a black light in your car that turns on and off to the beat of the music? Thats even cooler.
If you had a system in your car you were pretty much saying "Hey please pay attention to me, I dont actually like to listen to music, but black people music makes my car make silly noises."

Didnt it suck not being able to talk to your friends in your car with that thing blaring all the time? Oh wait, you didnt have any friends so it wasnt an issue. Also their cars looked real cool with a girl who was in middle school sitting shotgun because she didnt know any better yet.

Tomorrow we should be done editing the film which is fucking crazy and it feels kinda anti climactic. I mean there is still a TON of shit to do but the editing will pretty much be done, its been a long road and it feels kinda weird.

Also Benny, Bridget, and Alex are coming to LA tomorrow to stay with me for a few days.

Fuck yes.

Frances Rice n Beans

2007-02-13T22:28:00.000-08:00

today was kinda a poop day so im gonna put on the hater cape and vent some shit so i can feel better.

Open Letter to LA:

Dear LA,

Stop making me get fat(ter). Why are all your beans re fried in back fat? Why are the only places you can get cheap meals at have a drive through lane? Why do you make me drive to the end of my street? How come I have been sick the last few days and instead of not wanting to eat and losing weight I have been doing nothing but non stop eating like it was my fucking job? Why was the last time I went grocery shopping like 5 months ago? Why are all the salads either made only with ice burg lettuce or so unbearable not even a vegan would want to eat it? Why are all the sandwiches on croissant bread? Why do you put cheese on everything? Why LA? Why?

Also I have been holding back for a long fucking time on this but I just wanna say an extra special fuck you to these people:
Your bluetooth headset makes you look like a real jerk. Sure in 20 or so years you might be laughing when everybody else has brain cancer from cell phones, but for now its our turn to laugh at you, bluetooth headset wearer. You like a robot from the planet asshole. Not to mention how crazy you look walking down the street talking, shouting and yelling freaking everybody on the sidewalk the fuck out. Your stock option deal can wait, ok? You give me so many awful douche chills i wanna start a charity to donate blankets to so I can prevent other's douche chills so they dont catch a cold from your desire to be such a wank. And people who wear them even when they aren't on the phone. Bravo to you good sirs. You make it so easy for me to identify you as an asshole without even knowing you. I would hate to be a kid growing up now playing baseball or something while my coach wore one of those things the whole time during the game so I could listen to him simultaneously coach our game while arguing with his ex wife. Do you look at yourself in the mirror with that thing and think to yourself "Man I look real "fly" with this thing in my ear all day." Ugh, I bet at the end of the day when they take it off it is all warm and nasty from being in their gross sweaty ear all day. Also why do places like Staples and Best Buy have the highest bluetooth users to sqaure feet ratio of any other area?

Dont even get me started on guys who tuck there shirts in.

Also for some reason the Guardian UK quoted my blog back in September. They make me sound real smartish.

123 Fake Street

2007-02-12T23:09:00.000-08:00

(i know this is from like two weeks ago, but it is still fucking hilarious)

Today I went to the bank, and the dude in the car in front of me had one of those things that made it look like a baseball was going through the back of his windshield and smashed into it, and it was almost as cool as those balls I saw dangling from that car a while back. So im like "Who is in that car? That is so awesome!" And who gets out? Fucking this dude:

AHHHHHHHHH! Its fucking Puck. Finger in the Peanut Butter-cry baby-getting married on MTV-"SF bike messenger" ass Puck. So we are on line and I am directly behind him. I swooped in so I could sniff his aura. I shit you not he was wearing Polo Sport cologne, like what a cheesed out 7th grader in NJ would wear. Awesome. But then I start thinking. Why the balls is Puck at the bank? Like does he work retail somewhere? Do you think he still goes on auditions? And then I thought about all Real World people who don't rehash it on the gauntlet. Kinda scary, like where is that cowboy dude from the LA season? Or the race car driver from London? Footnotes in our collective history I guess. Whatevs.

On a sad note my Grandma passed away this weekend. She lived in Florida so I didn't get to see her as much as I could have. But I would have to say my favorite memory of my Grandma probably would have been about ten years ago for my birthday she sent me a coupon for 10% off admission at Sea World. I grew up in central NJ which is at least 1000 miles from the closest Sea World. Also I was 13 so driving was clearly out of the question but if you really think about it that might be the funniest present of all time. I don't think she was in on the joke, but that memory will make me laugh and smile forever. Thanks Grandma.

You Are Full of Beans

2007-02-09T17:10:00.000-08:00

According to Jason BK Anna Nicole Smith was doing lines of Trim Spa, partying in Vegas. Then the FBI/Mafia came in and knocked her out because that old billionaires family paid them to off everyone who was owed money. While she was out cold they cooked her up a hot dose of that shit and made it look like an accident. Its the same shit they pulled on Marilyn. Then they planted some drugs in her room under Howard K Sterns name. That man was a saint. An honest lawyer, saint. Come on. Have you seen Anna Nicole Smith ever? And you are trying to get me to believe that she was on drugs? Yeah and gullible isn't in the dictionary. Why does the government have to kill blond white women all the time? Its like they have a constant case of the "if cant be with her, no one can's"

A lot of you might hear this and say "too little too late." Well if you listen to music because of current trends you are a jerk. If you have to just download it and play it in secret or rename it on your iPod so no one knows, fine. But for people who aren't musical assholes, this song is pretty rad, its just a good addictive rock song so dig it.
Protokoll - Moving Forward (zhare link)

I used to see Demetri Martin all the time at comedy shows a few years ago. I have always thought he was hilarious live, but lately his stuff hasn't really been hitting me the way it used to. His stuff on "The Daily Show" was good but it never really met your expectations for what you thought it could have been. However this track came on my iTunes and I almost shit my pants. For two reasons. One I have no bowel controls. Two it has fucking Will Forte on it. I think Will Forte might be one of the most underrated comedians out there. His skits on SNL are always on some level that is above and beyond what you have come to expect from that show. Have you ever seen the genius of Tim Calhoun? What the fuck is that? Did you ever see that skit where he mailed himself to his ex girlfriends house and they have an ENTIRE argument while he is trapped inside the box? oh let me also remind you of The Falconer. Come the fuck on. So here is Will Forte on a live track with Demetri Martin. Enjoy.
Demetri Martin featuring Will Forte - Personal Information Waltz (zshare link)

Also that new explosions in the sky album is fucking epic.

Shark Bites Fruit Snacks Were the Best

2007-02-08T19:03:00.000-08:00

Look, I love the show "To Catch A Predator" more than anyone. The manner in which they lure in these perverts, the fake 13 year old girl who meets them, the manner in which host Chris Hansen coolly and calmly interrogates the men and breaks them down all make me squeal with glee mixed with a sentiment of "Are you fucking kidding me?" The show has been on for so long the people who get caught know about the show now so they don't try to run away as much. But even after seeing the show, they still try to get a piece of the forbidden fruit and then when called on their shit, "Oh No officer I wasn't going to do anything sexual with her, I swear." Oh really? And I am the fucking Queen of England. But after watching so many episodes, I ave noticed something special. Someone who works for Perverted Justice actually gets paid to sit around all day and pretend to be a 13 year old girl in chat rooms. Is this not the best fucking job one could ever hope for? Are you fucking kidding me? I get to talk to old perverts all day and make them think I am a sweet innocent 13 year old girl and kinda talk dirty to them so I can lure them into getting arrested?
Hello dream job.

Here are some lines I would use if that was my job:
(my screen name would be something like GlitterGurl13)

Hi my name is Tracy and I smell like bubble gum.

Oral sex? Whats that?

The boys at my school are all immature and stuff. I like older guys.

I would do anything for a wine cooler.

You drive a Civic? Thats sooooo kewl.

To Catch A Predator: Consider this my resume submission.

Fake Fake Breasts

2007-02-07T23:07:00.000-08:00

OK so I was going a little crazy a few weeks ago and I was like, " I am going to write Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger a letter, saying that I am a kid in high school and I want to interview him and blah blah blah" so I could hopefully get a response letter that said: From the desk of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger or something of that effect to I could memorialize this moment in time when the Terminator was actually an elected official chosen to lead a state by a group of consenting adults. Seriously though California, you elected fucking Conan the Barbarian to run your state. How dumb are you? I digress, so I wrote him this letter like two weeks ago hoping to get something back before I left here, and then today a letter appeared on my desk. What was inside of the letter was something far more amazing than I could have ever hoped for. Holy Shit!

Fuck yes.

Next song: Now I don't know how prevalent these posters are in the rest of America, but LA is fucking covered in posters and billboards advertising the film, "Black Snake Moan." This has got to be one of the biggest douche chill inducing titles of any film since Oh I don't know, maybe like "The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill but Came down a Mountain." Black Snake Moan? Are you sure? I think the movie is even about Christina Ricci being a crazy sex fiend and like Samuel L Jackson chains her up until she doesnt want to do it anymore. To me though it sounds like the noise a girl makes when she is with a brother. Like, "Oh you hear that? Thats the black snake moan." If there is a line in the film thats anything like that I might go into a douche chill hypothermia or some shit. I got the willies just thinking about it. Oh and the icing on that delicious cake? Justin Timberlake is in it.

Double Yikes.

But in all honesty I will have to see this film because I need to know. Also Christina Ricci as a beaten up nympho gets the 12 year boy inside me hot and bothered.

Don't Stop Til You Get Enough

2007-02-06T19:57:00.000-08:00

So this past weekend was a whirlwind adventure of a time. I didnt really get to do much except hang out and party with all my friends which was amazing and I only slept like 2 nights out of the four I was home which definitely makes for some good ass silly times. Thank you so much to everybody who came down to the party on Saturday, I think we raised some good money which is awesome and all of us involved thank everyone who came out to party and support a good cause. On the reals, thank you. SO here are a few pictures from the party that Mike Maltman took, I would have had more but my camera broke at Sundance. Shiiiiiiit. Hopefully I'll be back in Brooklyn before the Y2K problem hits.

(click pictures to make them larger)

Setting up the banner for Best Fwends insanity.
r,i,p, the rad sign, we hardly knew ye! Well i knew ye cause I spent like a day making it.
80% of the time, this line works 100% of the time.
The speech bubble does not match the message that her eyes are giving out in the least.
Damn girl, your titty.
See Dan gets it.
Funny
Funnier
Funniest
Damn girl, your teef.
For some reason this reminds me of the plant from Little Shop Of Horrors. Its all smiles.
How to destroy the dance floor by Best Fwends.
People were all over the place, even up in the VIP section.
I dont know if you can tell but Best Fwends performance was the sweatiest, bloodiest, beer spilling dance jam of the century. The dance pit was so crazy at one point I looked over to my right and this girl was dancing and freaking the fuck out, it was awesome:
I have no idea how Erika Christensen heard about our party, seriously does anyone know her? Im just curious.
Rage Mountain Domination Squad 2007 All Stars
To the people who have problems with people but leave notes hanging up instead of talking to them like a real fucking man: Grow some fucking balls if you have a problem with people having a good time and say it to our face if you have a problem you pussies, also can I remind you that IFC took away our frat letters last fall, so technically we aren't frat boys anymore, so do your fact checking assholes. And by the way, the hallway was clean by 10AM. Jerkface.
Black vomit on the walls, parting is such sweet sorrow.

Regular posting from now on, sorry about the last two weeks, I was just running around all over the place, my bad, yo. I miss brooklyn.

are you building a club house?

2007-02-02T05:41:00.000-08:00

its friday and i am home in brooklyn and i miss it like its my job. tomorrow night is going to be insane, suprises coming out the wazoo, please come help us raise some money for a good cause, jason is bartending, best fwends and super lover are playing, don piano and george pizza are DJ'ing, its gonna be awesome, party starts at ten, will there be celebs there? come to find out!!! (but if you care about that shit dont come)

we got paris hiltons storage space on lock, valtrex is a supressant, not a cure!

guest post from jason bk!!! listen up:

(jason looks like a church choir with hair, its weird)

Yo, listen up. Jays n town, and I think we over did it a lil bit! Its 9 n the motherfuckin, and we's got a few places 2 go yet. Countdown 2 ''We don't have this money'' like maybe 8 hours or so. I gotta pull my shiat 2gether because i's be working. I dont know what im talking about at all but I just wanted 2 post on Jay's shiat. All u mofos better get ur shiat 2gether, because RAGE MT. is gonna come down on ya. Have ur singles ready 4 ur bevs, and maybe if u sweet talk me a lil bit, u might get more. Goodtimes. And remember, if u dont make dollars then u dont make sense.

J-town(hold'n it down)

ok its jay, listen to jason if you know whats good for you, ladies this dude might show up if you wish hard enough:

tomorrow will make so much sense.

here is jason handling shit at the knitting factory, just watch the first minute:

also peter, bjorn, and jon are in america, i wrote about them way way back when (september), not trying to gloat, but i was there

come dance with me brooklyn, i have something for you

saucy susan, i wish you were here.

I Wanna Shoop

2007-01-29T23:44:00.000-08:00

Pictures from Sundance:Should I start out with a poop joke? I just did.
James C and Barlow show off their cool winter gear

Lenny was telling some racist Pac Man jokes. We were looking at him weird and he was all, "What? What did I say? There is a Pac Man standing behind me, isn't there? Fuck."
These dudes were trying to promote Encino Man 3. Pauly Shore kills it. I think Troma is putting it out. Look for it coming soon to nowhere near you.
Crystal Castles is the best Canadian two person 8 bit emo synth dance group out of all the Canadian two person 8 bit emo synth dance groups out there.
This dude was protesting George Bush or the war or something but all I could think about was crab legs, tasty, tasty crab legs. I wanna go to Red Lobster as soon as I get to New York City. Its a little secret seafood joint in Times Square, not many people know about it. The Boardwalk Popcorn Shrimp is the best.
Inappropriate on many levels.
James C made these rad balloon projections that played during the entire RVCA party. It was awesome.
Then Father Posiedon said to me, "Son, someday you will rule the ocean and all this will be yours...also keep my damn statue clean."
Money Mark killing it live, like it was his job. Oh Wait.
Party Animals. Kids - Don't eat pot cookies and pass out at parties, thats how private parts get drawn on your damn face.
This LA trash got stuck to the mud flaps underneath a tractor trailer and ended up in Park City. (Seriously though, Jamie Foxx was on the second level and they kept screaming JAMIE!! JAMIE!! but all I could think of was how much her fish lips reminded me of Red Lobster. Mmmmm. But maybe Im wrong and she just had an allergic reaction to peanuts or something.)
Simon Rex - I wish you were my big brother.

Sundance 2007 we hardly knew ye.

journey to the center of the earth: day one

2007-01-26T12:37:00.000-08:00

so we get to Utah, our cab driver was blasting The Game and all of his bad name checking and cry rapping, then we ate two very delicious meals. Then this one film set up a free arcade full of amazing games that you could play for free. I played some street fighter two next to David Wain and Paul Rudd, it was awesome and those dudes are total nerds. Then we went to see our first movie. It was called "Broken English" with Parker Posey and some other rad people. Im not gonna hate but all I'm gonna say is that this film will become many many indie hipster girls favorite film. Dudes: Some parts are funny, but if your girl asks you to go with her, just do it. Sleeptime.

Day Two:
We set up the RVCA party all day. James C made some rad projections and put them on these huge balloons. Money Mark played an amazing set. At the end a screen came down and he played live score to our film for a few scenes. It was pretty intense. Sundance attracts a lot of wanks and I feel like 90% of the girls in the club were 17 year old locals. Then we went to an after after party.

Day three(today): Super hung over, if I leave Sundance and the only movie I saw was the vagina pain inducing film Broken English I will be really really sad.

Pictures on Monday, everybody's working for the weekend.

Where Do We Go Now?

2007-01-23T22:50:00.000-08:00

"Gone Sundancing" is probably the lamest phrase I could use to say I am going to Sundance tomorrow. We are going up for the RVCA party where Money Mark will be playing live score to some scenes from the film which will be rad. Hopefully I will be able to post from there, you know.

Also don't forget to figure out a way to come to the party next Saturday. Missing it would be like not seeing the Berlin Wall being knocked down.

Ill leave with a joke told to the audience of a screening of the amazing 1975 film, "Switchblade Sisters" by rad exploitation director Jack Hill:

I just got back from a bulimia party.
The cake came out of the girl.

Dude's still got it.

Someone Let the Cat Out of the Bag

2007-01-22T20:46:00.000-08:00

Help us raise some money so we can make some music videos and short
films for our friends. We will be setting up a cash bar with really
really cheap booze. On top of that Best Fwends and Super Lover will be
playing. If you haven't seen Best Fwends yet, lets just say its like
being on the show "Double Dare" and saying, " Marc, I'll take the
physical challenge." Super rad party + super rad people + super good
cause = no good reason not to come.

Im flying home for this jazz so come out and say what up cause I miss yall so much, it makes my vagina hurt.

Put also be forewarned that yall should have all your party muscles ready so here is some inspirational videos to pump you up!

This might be the best one, very underrated:

Who left the towel in the pool?

2007-01-19T16:14:00.000-08:00

Friday, its comes around, not too often, yet not also not often enough.

That new LCD Soundsystem record? Amazing

That new Bloc Party record? Not so much.

There is a new record which is a compilation of all the stuff out on Kitsune which is a great French label like Ed Banger which only releases good music. Crazy.
This is the Simian Mobile Disco song from that compilation and it is a good song.

Simian Mobile Disco - I Believe (ez share link)

The next song is from a band that is also on that comp but this is a song from their album and it is good.

Oh No! Oh My - I Have No Sister (ez share link)

Big News On Monday?

Slumber Party Fever

2007-01-18T22:11:00.000-08:00

I feel so much hate that things in this town close down so early,

an encounter I had earlier reminded me of days when I would work for minimal pay, uhh scratch that, i mean days when i would work menial jobs for menial pay, uhh maybe scratch that too, i really mean days when I had jobs before I went to college. Anyways, the best part of the job besides not working was during closing time when people would come to the door and you had to mime that "We are closed" sign to them to let them know that the store was closed. It was definitely the most satisfying thing in the world to turn people away, to see them die a little on the inside because all they wanted was to get inside so badly yet all you wanted was the opposite, it was poetry in motion.

So today I spent the better part of the day at the NAMM music convention. This is a trade show for all musicians and its pretty large. I got pretty wasted last night which I figured wouldn't really affect a day spent walking around a music connection.
Boy was I wrong.
When I got there I realized how hung over I was. Have you ever been to a music store and someone is noodling around on a guitar or drums or a piano etc etc? Its really fucking annoying. Now imagine an entire huge convention center filled with people doing exactly that. It was the most maddening and annoying noise, it was like listening to 10,00 people play 10,000 different songs at the same fucking time. To make it even worse, they had the fluorescent lights on full blast, awesome.

Photo Party!

There were a lot of big name acts scheduled to appear but the biggest draw was definitely the Translucent Ham Sandwich Band. They can fucking wail.

This drum set was made out of Pringle's cans from the future planet Disco Homosex.

No joke, this dude's name was Ted Shred.

I feel bad for Rick Springfield because he had to open for Neal Schon and Steve Stevens. I mean he did so much like write "jessie's Girl" and..and....uhhh...and he did other stuff good too, just back off ok?

You are going to have to trust me on this but that foot belongs to CC Deville. As well as the 4 inch lifts attached to the shoes as well. You just got called the fuck out sonnnnnnnnnnn!
Also don't you hate that you cannot forget the past?

Beta Cat

2007-01-17T22:05:00.000-08:00

Uhhh why is MTV turning into a channel that is just reality shows of dumb sluts in vacation spots? I dont mean dumb sluts as a quick insult. I mean they are dumb sluts in that they embody every ounce of the meaning of the phrase dumb sluts. You know what the worst part is? They probably fuck less than actual sluts which makes them even dumber because they are on TV.

Here is a clip of a chain gang fight.

I never told anyone this but I once did three years for knifing an undercover cop in a drug fight. I just got out a few months ago. Before I went in I had the same surgery that Micheal Keaton had in the movie "Multiplicity" So anyone who has come in contact with me over the past three years, that wasn't me. Im sorry I didnt say anything sooner. I just needed to do it in the right way. Also like in the movie "multiplicity" with Micheal Keaton we made a third clone who was a little more retarded version of me. I'm not 100% percent sure, but what I gathered from the letter that I read in jail sent from my first generation clone, my third generation clone got drunk a lot and sullied my good name. I guess thats what you get when you use clone technology that hasnt been fully developed. Its like that time I traveled to the center of earth. We didnt have the right tools. We lost a lot of good men that trip.

Also the weird thing about the golden girls was that the youngest actress on the show played the oldest character on the show

Also also: What What What.. What?

How Will I Know?

2007-01-16T22:03:00.000-08:00

Whenever people try to tell you stories about how they are high it never is as funny as they want it to be.

So today I got really high and I didnt realize it until I was alone by my desk. It was one of those moments where you are like "Wow Im pretty fucking high" Then Money Mark came in blowing one of those whistles that starts out really slow and low and then get faster and faster, and that started the freak out. Then I realized that the music that was coming out of my itunes was also freaking me the fuck out, it was the shit robot remix of the song "Dragon" by Dondolo. I hit next to hear the next song and it was "Dragon Rider" by Japanther, I quickly clicked to the next song cause I was starting to panic. It was "Return of the Dragonmen" by Man or Astro Man? I was officially losing it, there was even a minute where I was so high that I seriously thought that I would only be able to listen to songs with the word "Dragon" in the title for the rest of my life. I clicked to the next song. I was "Two Dragons" by Peter Shapiro. I almost had a total breakdown but then I realized earlier, I totally spaced and that I was searching for a song that had the word "Dragon" in it, so those were the only songs I could play. After I calmed down I asked myself why I had over 12 songs that were about dragons. This all took place in about 10 seconds by the way. Weird.

So one step forward in growing up out of the man child status happened today. You see I had been wearing this shirt for the past three days and I changed it because I had a business meeting today with this lady that I had also had one with the day before and I didnt want her to think I was a total slob. So yeah Im making some pretty good progress.
Next stop: Showers.

Also I wrote a letter today to Gov. Schwarzenegger. I hope he writes back.

100 Glorious Years

2007-01-15T22:10:00.000-08:00

So I put up a picture of my sister up here to embarrass her because she is five, almost six, and she reads this site everyday when she gets to work. So ha Zoe, everybody can see how you eat desserts all sloppy like a five year old. Maybe when you are my age you can embarrass me.

So SNL actually put together an almost solid episode this past week. Fred Armisen and Will Forte are the best ever. Andy Samberg is the worst ever. So all the skits were good up until the Shins came on to play their own brand of snooze core. Oh my fucking god, could you be any more boring and safe? I mean first off you have the misfortune of Braffffffffff immortalizing you in the worst movie of all time being like "Hey this mediocre indie rock will change your life, I'm Zach Braffffffffffff and I wrote and directed an awful movie where I had to direct the main character, me, all day long." Seriously though the Shits are everything that is wrong with "indie rock" They are so mediocre and safe, yet they allow aging hipsters to feel like they are in on the "Scene" while in reality the "scene" is rocking the shit out of 8 people in a basement in East Bushwick. Were you at that show? I didnt think so.

Also the key to becoming a mediocre writer on SNL is being able to write awful talk show skits where "wacky" people come on all the time and say "wacky" things. I mean I dont mean to hate but I calls em like I sees em. And Metal Skool is the worst ever, those cheese dicks are so fucking lame, they just get idiot girls with low self esteem from the Valley to come to the "strip" (which stopped being relevant in 1986) to show their tits and bring back an era of rock that no one asked for. Charlie Brown said it best, " Good Grief."

Sorry Im hating so much, im a little drunk, but in all honesty thank you to everyone who has been reading this dumb thing for the past few months, Doing anything 100 times is crazy, except for banging and brocaine. But thank you to all the haters and lovers who leave comments and to anyone who has laughed even a little from reading this, thanks,
every rose has its thorn, just like every cowboy sings a sad sad song.

Also PS - Ugly Betty won Golden Globes, Golden Globes - you are dead to me.

Also Also - Award Shows, stop putting musicals in the same category as comedy, We know that the velvet mafia runs all award shows so that is totally an unfair advantage and comedy is better than musicals because comedy makes you laugh and smile and musicals give you constant douche chills

Also Also Also - Heres to 100 more posts of laugh.

99.5

2007-01-12T19:51:00.000-08:00

this doesnt count as my 100th post because I have been busy the past few days and havent been able to write what I wanted to write, and since its friday Ill just wait til monday when hopefully I would have embarrassed myself enough with something worthwhile to write about.

Q: Whats wrong with Kylie Minogue and Vengaboys?

A: Absolutely Nothing.

Thats why you are going to love this new group called Lo Fi FNK. I know nothing about them except I have to turn down their music when I am driving and I am at a stop light because I don't want people to know I am blasting this at full volume and feeling like a bad ass.

Lo Fi FNK - The End (ez share link)

Enjoy this and have a safe weekend, if you are in LA get in touch with me for a rad party I am DJing tonight, it will be messy and exciting. Also Matt and Kim are in town for two days this weekend to play some shows. Someone better turn on the AC cause this party is about to heat up.

Fudge You Angeles

2007-01-11T02:00:00.000-08:00

so i know this is short but whatevs:

Tonight I went to this one bar because it reminds me of home and who was there?

Jessica Alba and James Blunt (not together)

Y'all know how much i love both these people for different reasons but I didnt care that we were at the same tiny bar.

But you know who was there that I did care about?

This dude from 40 year old virgin who might have had the best scene in the whole movie where he is trying to buy those boots. He was so awesome until I saw him trying to hit on some skinny plastic LA bitches but whatevs he is still rad.

So that was my night tonight,

Watch out tomorrow for Yeah You Know's 100th Blog Post.

(Selena Joke removed)

Too soon?

PS - If you watch "desperate housewives" enough, you will become a desperate housewife, even if you have a ween in between your legs.
Dudes - dont let a girl put it on, ever
Ladies - really? this show? are you sure?

Space Jam was a good movie

2007-01-09T23:23:00.000-08:00

you know what would be really really weird?

if there was a bar that was set up like a high school locker room. There would be all this weird sexual tension to begin with and then adding booze to the mix would have bad news written all over it.

I just gave myself a douche chill.

So over the break I watched a shit ton of movies, some awesome, some whatevs. But the one that falls in a category all by itself was brought to us by the good people dedicated to quality broadcasting over at the Lifetime network. The little gem that I experienced was called "Augusta, Gone." This film was amazing. Its about how hard it is to be a misunderstood teenager growing up in an upper middle class white neighborhood and how she rebelled. And rebelled how...drinking smoking, running away, lighting candles, listening to gothic music, lighting booze, burning old ladies, smoking death metal music, returning books to the library late, she was a bad seed. So then whitey tried everything they could to get her normal. They sent her to homeward bound, they sent her to doctors, they sent her to treatment centers, but did they ever listen to her? Did they ever care how she was feeling? No, no they didnt. I remember when I was a fifteen year old girl growing up, I was totally the same way. I feel like this movie was made for mothers of teenagers or soon to be teenagers to have something to freak the fuck out about.
Fifteen is no fairy tale, indeed.
Also it was based on a true story because you can't make shit like that up.

Also also I heard that the real reason that Britney Spears shaved gash got photographed when she "forgot" to wear underwear was infact because she was being hazed into Paris Hilton's circle of friends and that the way she makes you join the club is by flashing your lady parts for the whole world to see. Thats kinda fucked up that Paris Hilton hazes people but even more fucked up that Britney was like "Thank you sir may I have another?"
"I'm not that innocent" - Yeah we know.
I wish there was a way where you could throw "The Grudge" on her. And then she would be all like, "Help I have Grudge all over me" but there would be nothing you could do.

Also also also things are much better now thanks, totally rad

WHOA

2007-01-08T23:37:00.000-08:00

today was in tents

im really really looking forward to tomorrow, for one reason only.

also look out for tomorrow where i teach you how to take a proper myspace picture.

also also super secret super sweet party this friday, hip hop hooray!

We Share Our Mother's Wealth

2007-01-05T15:05:00.000-08:00

So a lot of people know how much I enjoy the casual encounters site of craigslist and from time to time people will send me funny ones but this one that Nancy Pants sent I feel like takes the cake as the lamest possible thing you could write on missed connections which for the record is the pussiest thing ever invented, fuck being shy, if you see someone you like just tell them, grow up.
Anyway here it is(I pinked out the gay parts):

Reply to: pers-256497638@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-02, 1:34PM

Let me refresh your recollection of the evening. Me with my posse of Wall Street buds enjoying some brews in your burg on new year's eve. Boulevard Tavern. Being there for Harold. You there with your hipster friends, being ironical. Even with all those people around you, I could see that you were all alone, surrounded by those pencil necks and zeldas. Our eyes met. Your mouth opened, you smiled, and you nodded in my direction. But then that dork with the dark hair and plastic glasses and skin tight jeans cock blocked me, and the moment passed.

I've been thinking about you, Hipster Girl. I want to show you my loft in cutting - edge SoHo, which is where the real artists live. I want you to have a taste, just a taste, of the espresso that I am. I want you to ride the rocket that is my life. It's pretty sweet.

Ditch the dorks and meet me, Hipster Girl of Williamsburg. Apart, we grow cold, but together we can make a wonderful beat on the bongo of my life. (Please do not write back if you have an STD.)

What a romantic.

Its Friday, Music day. So recently Money Mark who is scoring the documentary I am working on moved his studio into the room next to where I sleep. Not only is Money Mark and insanely talented solo musician, he made the Beastie Boys and Beck sound rad too, Oh and he is also involved in the super secret Karen O solo album to which I have certain information that could get me killed if it fell into the wrong hands. That is awesome. Anyway a group of us went to the bar down the street after work last night. Afterwards we came back to the house and we were drunk and fucking around making weird noises on the trash can and toy keyboards and shit. Then somehow we ended up in the room with all of his gear and I got to sit in on the drum kit and jam out with Money Mark till like 3 in the morning. It was fucking unreal. I was a little nervous and drunk but it was the most fun I have had in a long time. I miss making music a lot.
Check out this photo Lenny took:
So rad. Also dude has a new album coming out soon and its really really good so y'all should look out for that too. Rad.

Also I was supposed to have finished my next podcast, but it should be done over the weekend, i have stuff ready for the next too so im gonna put it up on monday. Its a total party time get down love affair mix, so yeah.

Get In the Pit and Try to Love Someone

2007-01-03T18:01:00.000-08:00

SF PARTY Y'ALL. I spent a few glorious days in SF with Gabe and Dan recently before the new years and here are some pictures/commentary. As always click on an image to make it bigger ya heard?

At first I was like hey Gabe are you related to that girl? Then they open mouth kissed. Ill let him tell you the rest of the story.

The return of the salty vag!
No You Didn, uh uh, yes i did!
Its like that R. Kelly song, "Happy People" just without all that bullshit about trying to marry Aaliyah when she was 13.
Ok here is where I have some 'splaining to do. We went to Pop Scene and then met some lesbians outside and we were like hey do yalls people wanna go swimming? It was 230 in the AM. When would you answer that no? So we snuck into the W Hotel and got to where the indoor pool and hot tub were. Door is Locked. Fuck. So we are chilling on the terrace for a minute. Then out of the corner of his eye, Gabe sees a dude go into the pool. So we knock on the door and he lets us in. Thats when it hit me. We had just walked into an all dude, all nude skinny gay party boy late night W hotel indoor pool orgy. There were about twenty naked dudes running two and fro with there wangs dangling back and forth. White, black, brown, cut, uncut, you name it, every type was spoken for even homo thugs were there. SO what did we do? Did we leave? Fuck No. We took off our clothes and joined the party. Sort of. I mean we would go in the pool, then they would come in, they we would go into the hot tub, then they would, and this cat and mouse game went on for a while until we were like "Ok Time to eat some food and never speak of this ever again. " But it was like the situation was so unreal I don't think it hit us to what was really going on. SO the above photo is Gabe being like "Fuck It, Lets Get Wet!"
Dan was like "Yeah Im in too, lets do it!"
The above picture pretty much captures the vibe of the experience. When we were all in the hot tub we were like "OK everybody, Hands Up! Even You Ramone!"
We immediately lifted some weights after to make sure we still felt like 99.9% hetero men but honestly it didnt help.

Then we ending up going to bed at like 5 AM. Dan had to be up at 9. He did it. I went to visit him at work while he was all business like in his suit and tie. No one he worked with had even the slightest idea of where he had been only 5 hours previous.
I went to this record store and I thought about how in the late 90's people thought that the turntable was an instrument or even a genre of music. The 90's were hilarious.
SPARKS BALLS
Even fire hydrants need to have their nipples tweaked from time to time.
The next night we went to this rad bar that served LITER BEERS. So Rad. And hot dogs too but it was the previous nights memories were too ingrained into our brains to even consider enjoying a big slab of meat.
Oh you jokesters.
Gay vs. Asian vs. Trannie vs. Micheal Jackson vs. Goth. Who will overcome?
All of a sudden Gabe turned into a bike messenger.
TEEF!
Deep throating a burrito. If you are staring so much, why don't you take a picture? It will last longer. Oh Wait.
If only twere this easy.
Lets make it obvious about what we do here.
And finally the biggest dick joke of them all. (thats me at the bottom left of the frame)

All in all SF was amazing and I cant wait to get back there or get home to Brooklyn for that matter. Oh man, here come the sads.

Predictions for 2007

2007-01-02T23:34:00.000-08:00

So the year 2007 is upon on and there is always an obsession for people to pick the new trends or figure out what will be big before it happens so assholes(like me) can be like "I called that shit son!!!!"

What Will Be Big in 2007
by Jay Buim
12/31/06

1. Death Cab for Cutie - I know they have a really strange name and you are probably thinking who the hell is Deatch Cab for Cutie, but Death Cab for Cutie will be a huge 2007 year for this little band from Seattle. They are like emo without all those spiked belts and hair gel, thank you!

2. Mash - ups - They are like remixes but way radder. What they do is take the vocals from one song, and the music and drums from a TOTALLY un related song and make them go together or as its known "mash up." Like The Strokes guitars and drums with Christina Aguilera singing. Its so crazy it works. In 2007 you wont be able not hear mash ups so act like you know.

3. Organic food - Isn't all food from the earth of organic? NO. What you didnt know is that companies use pesticides and fertilizers on almost all your food. Eww, Gross. Well organic food doesnt have any of that stuff on it. 2007 is a year for good health. Next time you order a salad make sure you ask "organic please."

5. Napoleon Dynamite - this "indie" film (independent film)((an independent film is a film that has cool editing and is shot all all weird with your favorite actors playing drug addicts)) is making its rounds on "the festival circuit." And the buzz on the street is that 2007 is going be a year for Napoleon Dynamite to charm our hearts. An industry insider who saw this film said to me "Vote for Pedro." Hopefully Ill figure out what that means this year.

Maybe Im right and maybe Im right but one thing is for sure, 2007 is all about irony.

I Don't Wanna Talk About It

2006-12-29T21:21:00.000-08:00

I really wanna tell you what happened last night, but I need to post the accompanying pictures because otherwise you wouldnt be able to understand the WHOLE story. And even when I do that I don't think it will fully explain what happened. Whoa.

I hope everyone has a good new years ave, just remember that New Years Eve is like losing your virginity, everyone makes huge deal about it and stresses about it for so long, and then before you know it, its over and then you feel kinda weird. So just make sure you are with people you like because no one likes losing their virginity to strangers, unless you are in an 80's teen sex comedy romp, then its totally kosher pareve.

The Hers Day

2006-12-28T13:02:00.000-08:00

do you know what the worst thing is?

when all you wanna do is talk to someone, or hear their voice, or know what they are up to, what they are doing, if they are ok, etc but you can't.

On lighter notes, Jon is in Tokyo meeting strange Japanese girls in brown face with white lipstick, they are called ganguro, fuck harajuku,

Im off to SF for a few days, ill take a picture.
Here is a picture I took the other day. Its a golden pair of balls hanging from the back of a license plate. You might want to click on it to make it bigger so you can get the full scrotumness of the shot.

Bonaroo 2007 Here We Come!

2006-12-27T15:50:00.000-08:00

hey bros?!!?!?!

what up?!?!?!

I just wanted to let you cool cats know whats new. I just loaded up my iPod shuffle with some Hoobastank and 311 tunes and I packed up my snowboard and my Nalgene water bottle cause we are hitting the slopes at Big Bear with all my Cali Bros, What what?

Seriously please send help soon. This damage might not be reversible (like my winter vest from AE).

Also in really disturbing youtube videos, Rich just sent this to me. Its 9 minutes long, and its very very disturbing and fucked up, its called" How to Pick Up Girls on Myspace" trust me watch the whole thing, you will get a big douche chill. I cant tell if its from someone with way too much time on their hands or if its from some weird christian group trying to make a viral video against meeting people on myspace. My jaw is still agape.

(I took the video down because I was thinking about how creepy it was all day and I dont want to have any part of its creeped out fucked up energy shit.)

FREE DANGER

2006-12-26T18:18:00.000-08:00

I finally made some more copies and we put it out there so grab one. Also if you dont live in NY or LA and you want one, ill mail you a copy.
Places you can get a copy:
NY
aNYthing
Turntable Lab
Autumn Skateshop
BROOKLYN
KCDC Skateshop
Beacons Closet
Mini Mall
LA
Giant Robot (silverlake)
Turntable Lab
Ooga Booga
Orange 20 Bike Shop
Skylight Books
KANSAS CITY
pat vamos's house

Also we are always looking for new stuff for the next one, so put that in your pipe and smoke it.
rad!

FAQ

2006-12-22T18:55:00.000-08:00

Friday FAQ is a new segment that will help you to properly answer frequently asked questions that come up in most conversations. This will help your conversation flow while at the same time making people think you have a quick wit.

Question: Do you want to go hang gliding with me?

Answer: Sure, but only if my friend Dan Cortese can come too.

This week I have only listened to three albums at home and blasted the same mix CD full of sad bastard music in my car. It makes you smile upside down.

This first song is from a band called Crystal Castles and it combines screamo lyrics, dancing, and 8 bit electronics. I think they are coming to brooklyn soon so you best go check them out.
Crystal Castles - Alice Practice (ez share link)

The next song is from this band from Glasgow called Gay Against You. They write their logo like GVSY which is reason enough alone to dig on this. Its super damaged harmonic fucked up fight music. Fuck yes.
Gay Against You - telerad (ez share link)

So I hope everyone has a good holiday(s) and what not, Ill be here in LA working on some things that might or might not be illegal. I will however have a new podcast ready for the new year so please look out for that too.

thank you to everyone to who has been reading this for the past few months, its nice to know that this little thing is not going out into the internet all alone and then when its down and out it starts turning tricks and find a pimp who beats it, but it cant leave because it reminds it of its dad who was never there for it.
You know, that old story.

2006-12-21T22:07:00.000-08:00

My brain is taking a long walk off a short pier.

Trip McNeely

2006-12-20T20:51:00.000-08:00

I'm sure you have important things to do so I'll make this brief. Today I was walking my neighbor's dog like I normally do and she took a huge brown on the street as she normally does. I bent down to pickup the dog shit as I normally do and as I got back up I saw Jerry O'Connell in the distance walking up the hill. In this town you can't let an opportunity like this pass you by, so I quickly took the dog's brown stuff and wrote the words MOVIE SCRIPT on each of the pieces of shit. Then I casually resumed walking the dog down the hill towards his direction, playing it all cool until we were close enough for interaction.
"Excuse me, Are you Jerry O'Connell?"
He replied, "Why yes I am!"
"Oh my god you were terrific in "Sliders"
"OH, Thank You Very Much, What is in that bag you are carrying?"
So I say, "Funny you ask, you see my good friend, this here is a bag full of movie scripts that I think would be perfect vehicles for you to further your acting career!"
He looked in the bag and the rest as they say here in Hollyweird was "Gangbusters"
Now I have a five picture deal with Jerry O'Connell's film company. We are even in talks with trying to get Kangaroo Jack to make another appearance on the silver screen.
This town is magic I tells ya!

PS - I asked him if I could smell his fingers. It smelled like Romaine.

Bung

2006-12-19T10:45:00.000-08:00

If you own a business and I come in asking to use the bathroom, I promise you I am not trying to shoot heroin into my arms, I am just trying to make yellow or brown in a toilet so I don't have to do it in my pants.
Onto nuggets of another kind, I just came up with an awesome show idea.
It would be called "Yall's In Charge." Pretty much its exactly like the show "Charles in Charge" except it takes place in the south and everyone is black. And the Scott Baio character is always like "yall's in charge hurrr"
I would like to lobby Congress to make a new law that states that the only legal time someone can play the harmonica is when they are illegally riding freight trains across the country. If they are caught breaking this law, they get their arm cut off all Hammurabi Code style. (Yeah I just shouted out ancient Mesopotamia, whats it to you?)
After years of paying up to thirty times the original price for what I had rented a movie for by racking up late charges, I finally decided to join Netflix. I didnt know where to start. I asked myself WWKRPIHQ? ( What would Kyle Repka Put In His Queue?) So I ended up getting a bunch of foreign films that I slept through during film school and some other films that I haven't seen which I should. Then I looked at the list and I was like, "Whoa this is heavy stuff." So then I put "Bachelor Party" in the queue but that wasn't enough. I typed in Randy Quaid and decided to add a few of his best numbers to the list as well. SO yeah, its going to be a good break.
In other news that makes you want to run a spike through your eye, Dov Charney sold the company that made sexual harassment cool again (American Apparel) for $380 million dollars. Kids take note. All you have to do to make it big these days is to make a decent product, then proceed to molest/harass/sexually exploit as many of your workers as you can and you too can someday be the world's largest asshole with way too much money.
Now if you will excuse me I am going to Zach Braffffff in the toilet.

Definition - Zach Braffff (verb) Synonym; vomit. To expunge the contents of ones stomach. Named after an actor whose work is reminiscent of the material that comes out of one's body as a result of physical sickness.

It should have been called "Condumb and Dumber"

2006-12-18T23:14:00.000-08:00

I have a special place in my heart for the original "American Pie" movie. My friends took me to see it when I was a fresh faced young boy and then after they proceeded to feed me vodka for the first time and guess what? I haven't gone back since. Also I love how it took the simple act of putting a penis in a vagina and making it a complicated sex free 90 minute affair. So anyway if you have opened your eyes over the past few weeks while watching TV, I am sure you have noticed numerous ads for the new "American Pie"movie. If not you might have just thought to yourself, "What the balls?..Still?...Really?" This will be movie number five in the hilarious franchise including the first two, then the wedding one, then the band camp one, then the gang bang one, then the one with the Indian dude from Van Wilder, and now this one. I hate to say it, but whoever is still beating this dead horse ITS TIME TO CLOSE DOWN THE FUCKING BAKERY. NO MORE PIES = NO MORE DICK JOKES. At least give it a little breathing room and wait a few year(s) until Jason Biggs has no other option but to reprise his famed role which he could never shake off to begin with a la Rocky 6 or whatever that new balls shit movie is called. You know what though? I would pay 10 dollars to see Jason Biggs fuck a pie again. You fool me once shame on you. You fool me twice shame on me.
Speaking of food I also wanna call out assholes who have cooking shows. ESPECIALLY the ones who are so self satisfied with themselves during the cooking parts and even worse when they eat their own food and gasm in their own mowf's. Did you really need to take an hour out of my life to show me how happy you are with yourself that you made baked coconut raspberry jam cookies? I liken it to watching a middle aged woman masturbate for an hour while not breaking direct eye contact with you, practically screaming "Look at how happy I am making myself!!!" And then on top of it at the end of the cooking show unlike real masturbating there is never any mess to clean up. Horse shit!

PS - I forgot to mention this but a few months ago, I was at a Yeah Yeah Yeahs show and Im waiting for my friend to come out of the bathroom. This girl walks by, stops in front of me and gives me elevator eyes and then makes eye contact with me and says "Yo what up" (this is all with her eyes by the by) But I was all whatevs and she walked away. I was like "Ok thats rad, that girl was into it." Then I thought to myself, Holy Shit thats the red headed girl from American Pie who also had a huge drug problem who also was recently arrested for allegedly jerking off a dog and I kinda felt even lower before the whole incident took place. So fuck you Natasha Lyonne for lowering my self esteem and for molesting dogs (allegedly)

PPS - If my mom is reading this I should have told you at the beginning not to read it. Whoops.

I Am Ready For Your Jelly

2006-12-15T21:49:00.000-08:00

Who would win in a fight Joe Simpson or Matthew Knowles?
They are both crazy religious dudes who control their children's lives and careers with little regard for their well being or how they are portrayed in their creative endeavors. Also they have really toothy smiles. Could you imagine if they banded together to start the most evil talent agency known to man?
I just got a big douche chill thinking about it.

I dont really have anything to say today so lets get into the tune.
This has been all over the internet today so you might have it already but here it is, NEW ARCADE FIRE!!!!
And it toally sounds like some Bruce Springsteen in a church type thing going on, so so rad.
Arcade Fire - Intervention (ez share link)

Tonight I am going to see this rad band from FRANCE called Dat Politic and their cd hasnt left my car stereo all week, its fun , you will like it, also wait for the guitar /synth solo at the end
DAT Politics - VIDEO Tape(ez share link)

Ill get funny again next week hopefully

Sweating In December

2006-12-14T22:24:00.000-08:00

Yeah that’s right, I’m sweating in December. Sure part of it is to be blamed on my body excreting the toxins from the night before, and sure some of it can be related to my unhealthy eating and exercise habits, but some of it, some of it can definitely be attributed to the hot hot sun beating down on me.

The smog was so fucking thick today. It reminded me of that house with the lady who used to cut your hair when you were really young. Walls that were once a pristine white had been yellowed by years of cigarette smoke, which had thoroughly embedded itself into every fiber of that light brown carpet. I can hear the soap operas from the TV. This what you were forced to watch while she was "babysitting" you. You were too young to be 100 percent sure of it, but you always had a hunch that she was running a phone sex line from her apartment at the same time, not unlike the lady in the Aerosmith video for "Sweet Emotion." You don't remember her face, yet the image of that golden yellow loaf she passed off as hair is something that will be burned into your memory far after you leave this mortal coil. You will never be forced to brush your teeth in the same sink that was filled with dirty dishes covered in baked spaghetti ever again.
Happy Birthday?
No such thing.

I have no idea where that came from. Whoa. On a different note, Josh gave a copy of Saucy Susan and I's zine, Free Danger which features some Alf artwork/writing by Missouri's finest, Pat Vamos, to Jerry Stahl. Who is Jerry Stahl you ask? The writer behind one of the greatest shows of all time, ALF. Oh I don’t know, they also made a little movie about him with Ben Stiller called "Permanent Midnight" Yeah that dude. And guess what? He said it was funny, so thats like advanced praise like when you see a book and stephen king is on the cover all like "this is a good book, I'm stephen king and then you are all like how does he know this book just came out? I bet he got paid to say that." if someone wants one, please get in touch with me and I will happily send one to you.
Rad

I got a fever and the only prescription is lots of liquids and more rest

2006-12-13T21:03:00.000-08:00

Remember the video where Tom Petty dances with Kim Basinger when she is dead? Thats kinda fucked up, huh? Its like a metaphor for necrophilia, Why?

Also you know how in movies sometimes the wise black man character will be like in a half joking half serious tone, "The reason they call it the halls of justice is because all the justice is given out in the halls" Then they do that weird little laugh to themselves.
You know what though? Thats pretty much true because everytime I have had a lawyer get me out of legal situations (and there have been a few) they usually work it out with the DA or the prosecutor in the hallways and then they come back in the court room and everythings all cool. Its weird like that. Like what do they say to each other?
"So Tom you know the deal, lets just stand out here and pretend like we are talking about the case?"
"You betcha"

You know how Wednesday used to be the new Sunday for confessions? Well here is one:

The time: Senior Year, High School
The place: Spring Break, Cancun

It was the real Cancun indeed and it was nothing like that pussy shit movie of the same name. This was the last year before spring break got all commercial (ie - everybody started to learn about the date rape culture that is spring break)
Its three o clock in the afternoon and I had been drinking since I woke up at 9 that morning. I go to pee and it comes out all clear, like water. I'm officially drunk. The in my state of genius I decide that I should direct my pee into the empty water bottle next to me. My cup runeth over. So I was in a room with three of my bestest bros (hey man it was high school ok?) In the room next to us, are five of our best girlfriends. So I think to myself, "Girls drink water, I should plant this in their rooms and see if they would actually drink a whole bottle of my pee." After about two hours, a girl who will remain nameless but whose name rhymes with Fegan Fooling comes into our room.
She says, "Hey guys do you have any more water?"
I had already forgotten about the prank and I replied, "Yeah why did you drink all of yours?"
Megan: "Yeah but it tasted really really weird."
Then the light turns on in my head. She just drank a whole bottle of my urine.
I told some people about it, some laughed, some didn't.
Am I proud of it? Not so much, but its a funny story.
Did I ever say anything to her?
I just did.

Tramps Like Us

2006-12-12T18:08:00.000-08:00

SO I have a very good reason for not posting yesterday. You see what happened was I have been in the process of moving an office and my stuff for the past few days. As is usually the case with moving, it can be a high stress for everyone involved. Which brings me back to my original thought. I dont know if you know this but I have an imaginary brother. Most of you don't know him. But for those who do you understand that he definitely has some serious anger issues. So anyway we got in a HUGE fight which led to us drawing a line down the middle where I couldn't go on his side and he couldn't go on my side. Check this photo below:

So if you look closely you can see how all my possessions are on the right side of the room and all of his imaginary stuff is on the left side of the room, so we flipped a coin to see who chose which side of the room, he won and just to be a dick he chose the side of room with all my stuff on it. So since my laptop was on HIS side of the room I couldnt post anything. Imaginary brothers can be such dicks.
So I guess you want to see pictures from the Tori Spelling yard sale.
Did you actually think I was going to wait in line for hours with a bunch of cock fucks so I could see her selling her wicker life sized doll house furniture?

FUCK NO.

You see the thing is saying you want to see the Tori Spelling yard sale is a hella easier than actually waking up hung over, getting in a car, and dealing with that shit all day, so we said fuck that noise and went to the best flea market in the world, THE ROSE BOWL!

They had pants the size of your body!

I found this rad belt to accentuate my man vagina. (not to be confused with a mangina)

This jean jacket tells it like it is, Hey fatcats in Washington D.C. PAY ATTENTION!

Yes that is a Snoopy Hair dryer and yes the switch to change the settings is a fucking bowtie. That Snoopy is one class act.

Allison couldnt decide which was better the ancient Egyptian hand bag or Aztec carry all. It is very necessary to make sure that you never culture clash with your accessories. Dont you see what is happening in Africa as a result of greedy European colonialism? Its like that.

Do I make you horny? Do I baby?

I had All the ideas for star wars

2006-12-07T21:01:00.000-08:00

So I hit this dudes car in the garage under my apartment which I am moving out of today. He knocks on my door and is like "Hey do you drive a black Acura? I think you hit my car"
My response "Uhh which car is your car?"
Good response.

So I was watching Ugly Betty and I came in the middle of the episode and I was like, "How old is she supposed to be?"
And then Emily was all like "Uhh I dont know. Shes just ugly."

Moving today and tomorrow but hopefully we will have the internet hooked up on Monday. See you then and hopefully I will have pictures from the Tori Spelling Yard Sale. Hopefully. Go to www.estatesaleshop.com/ to check out all the stuff she is selling,

RAD!

People Tell Me I Look Like a Young Kurt Rambis

2006-12-06T21:20:00.000-08:00

Ill make this quick today cause I rambled on way too much yesterday.

FIRST OFF, Damien tipped me off to the greatest thing of the century this morning.

TORI SPELLING IS HAVING A YARD SALE!!!!!!!!

Hoo fucking ray! I cannot wait to buy some of Donna Martins leftover crap that she is trying to sell because she is unemployed and probably wont get any of her dad's money. I hope she is sitting outside and I can be like, "Uhhh how much for this dress that you wore to the 1996 Emmy Awards?"
And she will be all like, "Umm thats a Z Cavarici one of a kind, 400 dollars."
And then Ill be all like, "How about $350
And then she will be like, "Ok fine"
And then Ill look her dead in the eye and say, "Donna Martin Graduates!"

I cant wait oh man. For those reading this in LA her address is:
11369 Dona Lisa Drive
Studio City, CA 91604
(off of Laurel Canyon and Dona Regita Dr)

Also since we are moving I have been spending a lot of time on the phone with differnt various customer service lines. This could quite possibly be the most agravating and frustrating thing ever. They never can hear what you say, their connections are terrible so they sound all choppy and shit and they are always dumb and that makes you even madder and then you start getting all snippy with them and for some weird reason they always have a Southern accent. Do you hear me on this shit?
I was telling Aaron and Lenny about this today while we were working and then Aaron cracked the case wide open. ALL CUSTOMER SERVICE PEOPLE WORK IN INDIA AND get this ARE TAUGHT TO HAVE SOUTHERN ACCENTS SO PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE AMERICAN. Im not making this up either, he saw it on newsline and I mean come on thats the program that has brought us the greatest rib tickler of all time, "To Catch a Predator."

Doesnt that explain all those problems? Can you believe that though that they make them have southern accents. The guy teaching them the class is like, "Americans hate your accents so in order for you to work here so you can deal with them and help them while at the same time they are being extremely rude and impatient while at the same time we are saving a shit ton of money on outsourcing, People I cannot stress this enough, YOU NEED TO TALK WITH A SOUTHERN ACCENT!"
And then one of the dudes in the class is like, "Well how will we know what that sounds like?"
And the teacher is all like, "Dont worry I am going to bring in Larry the Cable Guy: The Health Inspector on DVD tomorrow and you'll see what I am talking about."
And then the dude in the class is like, "Ok American Chief thank you for staying true to your ideals of erasing other culture's traditions and identities worldwide."
And then the teacher comes back and is like, "DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!!!!"

OH I GOT YOU GOOD.

Ill leave you with something im sure a ton of you have seen but I have not and I love it. Its an audtion tape of some asshole from Juliard which he sent in to Stanley Kubrick in 1986 after he put out an open call for auditions for "Full Metal Jacket."
(also be sure to watch the end where they edit the actual scene he does his audition off of)
Enjoy

What Am I?

2006-12-05T19:44:00.000-08:00

So for those who have contacted me over the past few days asking me what was wrong I would like to say A) thank you for being a concerned friend and listening to me ramble and B) thanks for reading my blog, the only reason I do this is to make you laugh so sorry if I was bringing people down, i'm ok, im not ok. (yeah I just quoted My Chemical Bromance) Bottom line: You dont have to take away my shoe laces because you cant trust me...yet. On to the jokes:

JEW

NOT A JEW

GREY AREA

I gotta say that this time of the year has become increasingly awkward for me. When people ask you what do you celebrate I am at a loss of words. I have celebrated Hannukah, I have celebrated Christmas, I have celebrated both, I have celebrated nothing. You see I fall into the Sammy Davis Jr. category here. My parents were Jewish but not religious so like most Jews I would say I was kinda Jewish cause most are self hating and ashamed of being Jewish (Not a stereotype, its a fact). But I always felt weird in those religious and holiday family situations and I never fully knew why. But then I found out that my birth parents ( im adopted, get with it people) were NOT Jewish. HMMMMMM. I grew up eating potato pancakes yet I always tip at least 20% on meals. Sure the Jews say if you were raised Jewish then you are Jewish, you dont get to decide. They are pretty desperate for members I guess. But then if you arent Jewish people dont say, "Hey you were born Catholic you are always Catholic." I can roll in both crowds undetected of being not completely one or the other. If my girlfriend was Jewish, to her mother Yes I am a Jew. If my girlfriend was not Jewish I could get by as well with her father because I dont have a real Jewy look. (See the first category for evidence of what that is) I dont believe in Jewish traditions or theological ideals and I also dont believe in Christian ideals. How am I to tell if I am Jewish or not Jewish or entirely something else?
So who is really to say what is what here? What is the ultimate deciding factor?
Last night, it came to me.

I have never in my entire life been to a Dave Matthews Band concert, therefore I am NOT JEWISH!!!
Seriously Jewish kids cannot get enough of this guy. They love his albums, his jam outs, and even the offspring of even worse cover bands. They love it because the Dave Matthews Band is ethnic but not dangerous. (He is from South Africa after all) Going to see Dave Matthews Band live for Jews is where many of them got to smoke weed for the first time or where they got their first hemp cowrie shell necklace or where they got to meet up with their summer girlfriend and for the first time cop a feel while not in the woods. Dave Matthews Band shows are/were like a teen Jewish sanctuary. SO since I never even got close to one of these events let alone purchase or listen to any of their music because it made me uncomfortable and nasueous I cant be Jewish. OH ALSO its fucking terrible music. (Sorry Kablam I know you love them and I love you but its a fact)
So that settles it. I am not Jewish. So now I just have to figure out what I am. Any suggestions? There is a ton of place out here in LA advertising something called SCIENTOLOGY. Maybe i'll look into that because they also help you repress your homosexual urges (See Cruise, Tom and Travolta, John) as well as give you science advice for how to reach your potential and take all your money at the same time. Sounds like a plan.

2006-12-04T21:56:00.000-08:00

Why dont you tell me how you really feel?

2006-12-04T13:58:00.000-08:00

I cant hear the laughter anymore.

Have You Ever Made A Jumpshot Naked?

2006-12-01T16:54:00.001-08:00

Question: What do you wear over your eyes to block out someone's bad vibes?

Answer: FUNGLASSES!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeekend time. These things come like every week its so rad. So I hate to say it but the man who sells his sperm for $1 million dollars on his website and now sells one night of pleasure for $50,000 to women only actually made a good record. I have been putting it off until recently even though its from like 3 years ago. Anyway its actually pretty good. Its weird cause like Buffalo 66' is one of my favorite movies but dude just comes off like a jerk so that kinda ruins it/makes it better. Does that make sense?

Also Im stoked to have a reason to watch the new season of "The Real World." Last night my friend who called me up to inform me that she was doing some Ambien and lines of blow also divulged that this girl that she was BFFFs with from her town which apparently I know cause one time we went to visit them in seaside and she tried to blow my friend Steve after like five minutes of knowing him but then she didnt cause she started vomitting up cheetos and Absolut all over the beach house is the CRAZY ONE in the new cast of the Denver Real World. She also told me that they usually shoot 18 weeks but they stopped shooting after twelve because they got more than enough material in that time. Also also I was like "How did she get on the show?" And she was all like "Well MTV wanted somone who had been in hurricane katrina." And then I was all like "OOOOOOOOH I see. They wanted a survivor." I really really hope to god she has a freakout where she breaks down and after freaking out for ten minutes she is like, "AND ON TOP OF THAT I WAS IN HURRICANE KATRINA!!!"
Boo fucking hoo.
She also gave me her home number which might come in handy later on down the line. Maybe we could have a prank phone call contest or something

TUNE TIME
Everyone has been talking about how rad the new Clipse album is and for once the internet got it right. Its fucking awesome. Finally a full album of hip hop thats all good. Seriously the neptunes stopped making music about ice cream shows, BAPE, and outer space fuck jams and made a solid hip hop album again. Rad. This is the last song on the album and its killer. Also every song is about selling cocaine.
Clipse feat Bilal and Pharell - Nightmares (ez share link)

Next up I got another hip hop song of sorts. My friend Mitch gave me the heads up on this one. Its rad cause do you remember the Diplo Fabric mix where he mixed that 8 bit cover of the Ludacris song before the actual Ludacris song and we were all like holy shit Diplo is the raddest. Well not only did he not make that on his own he didnt even credit the person who made it. What the fuck? Mash ups are laaaaaame but anyway I digress. So to comemorate the Blip festival this weekend in NYC which you should check out if you can cause Cory Arcangel is going to be there and he is the raddest dude ever, they released the track with a medley of a shit ton of rap songs done in an 8 bit style. Its awesome and addictive.
Nintendo 8 Bit Hip Hop Medley (ez share link)

Have a rad weekend

Ladies and Gentlemen....

2006-11-30T22:21:00.000-08:00

I present to you the BRAND NEW Ana Melching. This has been a secret for a long time but Ana wanted me to wait to tell everyone about how she has gotten a sex change and now hopes to become the worlds biggest MALE body builder. After months of hormones and corrective surgeries she is a full blown man. This is what she used to look like to jog your memory:
(this is ana melching in classic street rape bait pose which is when you pretend to pass out on the street and you wait for some drunken jablonski to walk by and try to rape you and then while they are inside of you pretend you are talking in your sleep and you mutter out "I Have Aids!" and then the frat boy gets all scared, runs away and tries to chop his ween off, I have seen this happen, no shit) So congratulations Ana for being so brave and strong. Also Ana will you use you new big strong muscles to help me move next weekend because (drum roll please) I think we found a new place to move to so we wont be homeless. Rad to the MAX! its not 100 percent definite but hopefully it will work out otherwise Im gonna have to go to the gym and become some wrinkly rich old ladies pool boy which isnt bad because I love cleaning pools but i hate how after you sleep with old ladies all they wanna talk about is World War One. Its soooooooo boring. Also this new place has two bedrooms so I can finally stop holding back on that split personality disorder I have been keeping locked up inside all these years. I dont know the scientific name for it because im a creationist but comic books call it "the same disease that Two Face from Batman had." Lets see science come up with some malarkey about that, next thing they are going to say we are related to apes!?!? Apes? The only ape I could possibly be closely related to is Paul Giamatti's character in Planet of the Apes because he was fierce. Also though I could have been related to Marky Marks character in that movie because I also used to make black and white rap videos with my pants around my ankles in the mid-90s.

I start these things and its always interesting to see where it ends up. Also remember how I told my mom to NOT CLICK the link from the other day? Well I talked to her today and she didnt get that email until AFTER she read my blog and it was too late. Sorry Mom. She was like its ok I wasnt raised in a convent. And im thinking its not such an black and white issue where either you were raised in a convent or you were raised where gay porno with swinging dicks in your face was the norm. I mean there has got to be some grey area huh?

Let's Go!

2006-11-29T20:32:00.000-08:00

I never understood why all punk bands would always yell "Let's Go!" before the song kicked into a crazy part. Its like lets go where? Where do you wanna go? Don't you have a show to play? Is this some sort of code, like when someone is being held hostage but the person who captured them is watching them and they cant come out right and say, "Help me someone is holding me captive and If he knows im telling you this he is going to kill my little girl?" And at first the person is all like, "You are crazy what are you talking about." But then halfway through the movie they believe them and help them out and try to make sure they get uncaptured and the dudes daughter gets saved. Is that what they are trying to say?

Shit, I dont know...what its all about.

So the other day we were riding around in Arlo's 2007 Prius with the GPS. It'll get ya from LA to San Fran and back on 1.5 tanks of gas. And considering we live in such monastic times as we do, it makes sense. But also the GPS can look up fooderies. (Thats restaurants to you) So we were looking up places to eat and I shit you not, but Meals on Wheels came up as one of the possible places to eat.

(photo from mealsonwheels.com)

Are you fucking kidding me? You need a GPS in your car to tell you that Meals on Wheels is only .5 miles NW??? Like who programmed that in? Hey guys when you make your restaurant list dont forget to include meals on wheels cause people driving $20,000 cars need to know where meals on wheels is. Yikes

Also no one knew what I was talking about the other day with that cocaine video of the people showing how they make cocaine in the jungle before it comes to a mirror near you so here it is:

also for those who clicked on my link from yesterday, how great was that? i had to tell my mom not to click it in advance. rad!

Stop Staring At My Personality!

2006-11-28T21:43:00.000-08:00

"When in doubt, show your tits" - Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton

So when Google Earth came out I was like this is the best invention ever, science will never be able to top this....until today!
Holy Shit, Lenny showed me today and I have been on it all day, searching locations and stuffs and spying on people.
What is it you ask? Its a fucking locator where you type in a cell phone number and its gives you the persons location!!!! How 1984 ?????
Its so cool, have been showing it to people all day, blowing their minds its so rad.
To see it click this link right here: WWW.PHONETRACE.ORG
DID YOU TRY IT????
HOW AWESOME IS THAT?

Yeah so I dont really know what to follow up with a good gay porn/dick joke trick.

I saw that movie "For Your Consideration" last night and it kinda sucked asssss. Some parts were hilarious but overall it was a major let down. Also I love love love the British "Office" but I hate to say it: Ricky Gervais is a one hit wonder in the comedy world. Dude plays the same uncomfortable asshole in everything. Its good like once.
Good Music Lately: Cut Copy, Bobby Brown - On Our Own, Pebbles and Broken Social Scene.
It was so cold here today that I had to zip up my hoodie. Can you fucking believe it?
I saw Cat Power over the weekend and she was good but then she covered "Crazy" by the shittiest crap rap group ever and it kinda made me sad. Also I went with Josh which was cool because how often do two dudes get to have a guys night out at the Cat Power show. It made my vagina feel a little uncomfortable actually.

Also if you have nothing to say to someone dont bring up how your "friend" who isnt even your friend banged them when the person has no idea who you are and you just wanna feel like you have a reason to talk to them. Have a little more tact than that. You know what if the person liked the other person? Why would you say that?

There is a street out here called Chevy Chase Blvd. Its weird because even a street with that name is a total asshole and has a huge coke problem. LA is crazy, i cant say it enough
Im off to watch midnight madness which i have been dying to see in forever so ill see you tomorrow.

Also did you see that video where they show you how cocaine is made in the jungle. Its fucked up sonnnnn! Who knew there was so much gasoline involved?

New Addictions

2006-11-24T21:55:00.000-08:00

I'm no MTV True Life "Jersey Shore Summer Renter" type of idiot but holy shit, sugar free Red Bull is the fucking jam. Also I might be addicted to smoking cigarettes again thanks to Maya and Lomma. Also also I saw Nip/Tuck for the first time last night and im addicted to that too now.

Also I love Paper Rad so much(even my icon is from there work, so nerdy but whatevs), and I have definitely forced a few of you to watch an hour of their fucked up cartoons with me before, they have a new book coming out and they are going to be on the cover of the next ANP and I was just reading an interview with them and one of the dudes gave an awesome quote about You Tube:
"You Tube can only lead to more powerful alchemy- the process of turning shit into gold."

I know Thanksgiving is over and you are still full from all that food you shoved down your throat, but I noticed something new this Thanksgiving. The mass text message was out in full effect this year and it was funny/nice/annoying all at the same time. Here are some of the greatest hits from this year that I received:

Did you go home for Thanksgiving (received at 2AM)

Happy thanksgiving homo

Happy Turkey, turkey :-P

Happy T Giv. Im on the pot cookies

Happy T-Gives YO!

Hope your turkey was tasty! xxoo

Happy Thanksgiving! Even tho I dont celebrate it and neither do the french but there u go

Happy T Giving You Sultry turkey leg

Happy Gobble Gobble

But in all seriousness it was nice to get some love, especially from those who arent here. Ya Heard?

Its friday again so here are some tunes.
Isnt it weird how Santo and Johnny sounds better when you listen to it in the winter? Also it got cold here, i had to wear a jacket today, and I couldn't leave the windows open.
Santo & Johnny - Summertime (ez share link)

Just a straight up rock tune off the Cherrystones Word Compilation. Nothing fancy.
The Deviants - Youv'e Got to Hold On (ez share link)

The only thing that can quench my thirst is a glass of lemon lime haterade

2006-11-22T21:50:00.000-08:00

Common rapping on top of a big peace sign for the Gap. Are you fucking kidding me?

Ok so the commercial is debatable but for those who have been listening since "The Resurrection" its kinda sad. In fairness though someone wrote this comment on the youtube forum for the video. They wrote and I quote:
common = the shit
gap = the shit
common + gap = 2(the shit)
2(the shit) = sex
common + gap = sex

Peace Love the Gap indeed.

Also yesterday I was talking about "bros." I was friends with a few "bros" as it was hard to avoid them at my college. I even know a few recovering "bros". Keep reaching. Anyway a while back my friend Billy hipped me to this expose on a huge problem surrounding the "bro" community: BRO RAPE. Enjoy. Have a good Thanksgiving being constantly reminded why you moved out of your house.

There's No Crying In Grime Rap

2006-11-21T15:14:00.000-08:00

Im sure that you heard about how Lady Sov had a breakdown on stage last week in LA, left the stage crying, and only got through 0 songs. Sucks, but you know what sucks even more? Lady Sov looks exactly like Malcolm in the Middle:

Sorry I dont mean to be angry, im just in a whatever mood because we didnt get into sundance. I was gonna go to the supermarket and break all of the Paul Newmans Salad dressings, but then I remembered that Sundance was started by Robert Redford, not Paul Newman. And I dont think Robert Redford makes anything that I can go into a store and break....yet.

So Saturday we went to Hot Chip and they fucking killed it, no surprise there. Also you know how you can tell that I took this picture in LA? Because of the silhouette of the idiot in front of me with spiked up gelled hair. Too bad you cant see his studded belt.
Speaking of studded belts, it reminds me how "bros" make us have to reinvent ourselves over and over again. You know, "bros" dudes who wear backwards hats like its their fucking job, who wear hemp necklaces, puca shells, possibly even have a Sublime tattoo. Well they have started encroaching on our culture for a while. See how Fall Out Boy and Panic at the (shit) Disco have finally put the last nail in the punk coffin. On Friday at the Tenacious D show, the "bros" were out in full effect. I was literally surrounded by thousands of bros who got a real kick out of the D's antics.
I hate t say it but the joke is over. Its like "Is Kyle going to quit the band? Again?" or "Is the show going to end in a rock off against the devil? Really? Oh Really?" Let me guess, your tour bus runs on rocket sauce to huh? Seriously, they werent even really committing to the jokes. Bros are the sign that things are over, like when the leaves change color and you know winter is coming, same concept.

Honey, grab the kids and pack our bags, its time to move on

2006-11-20T22:26:00.000-08:00

Seriously, its over and this little dipshit killed it. Not only does he make kids bop versions of awful british dance punk bands such as Kaiser Chiefs, kasabian, Zutons, Sounds, awfulness he even drags Bloc Party into the toilet so he can shit all over them too. His songs have names like "getting Enough" and "Checking It Out," which is essentially the same exact thing right? Oh also he writes graffiti and is a totally radical skateboarder. So good luck with all that. But this is definitely a sign to start doing something new, something a small child could never co opt. Not even just a small child because you know there is some weird dude behind this kid who thought it would be a good idea to create this image to sell to kids, en masse. I mean remember when gay was all popular a few years ago and some genius brought us T.A.T.U. Sure we all had a good laugh, maybe a few of us were even turned on by it, but the deafening silence after all the laughter and collective"What the Fucks?" stopped is something I will never soon forget. So let this be a warning to ye all. I mean seriously whats next? Art school damaged experimental squatter noise music done by a ten year old? Just make it so fucked up and unlistenable so then you will never have to see something like this ever again.

If you havent vomited all over yourself yet and you want an explanation? check this out:

Also I saw Hot Chip and Tenacious D this weekend, more on that tomorrow. Also we got our pictures taken in front of Danzig's house while I was wearing a Danzig shirt. Done and done.

Drugs Money

2006-11-17T17:43:00.000-08:00

Why is it that going out on weekdays to bars is always so much more fun than going to bars on the weekends? Maybe cause during the week all the people who have straight jobs ball up all their frustration and stress and let is all explode on the weekends. Seriously the LES turns into frat row on friday and saturday nights, its crazy. I digress. Anyway so for the past year the people at Sparks have been giving away their shit for free at parties. Guess what? It worked because everyone is now hooked on the shit, eventhough it tastes gross and it gives you awful bowel movements, like instantly. I can't start my night without it. So I was at the store the other night with Lomma befre we went out and I ran into a new energry drink. I had previously heard about it one night when I was stoned out of my mind and I thought it had to be some sort of joke. But no, its real. And I bought a can of it and took it around at this bar all night and made people take pictures with it. Such as:

There is a shit ton more on my flickr account which is worth checking out cause there are some really funny shots of this night. Click here to go to check out the pictures. Watch it as a slideshow too. I think I might even contact the owners of the compnay and be like "Yo, Put me On Sonnnnnnnn!!!" Also though the drink tastes like shit. Onto the music for Friday, I decided to put up two Japanther songs because they seriously are the most incredible band in many ways AND I talk about them all the fucking time to, so much that people ask me if I am their PR or whatevs. I just think a good band should be heard by as many people as possible. For those in Brooklyn I think they are playing at Rubulad this saturday too. Also the first song reminds me of being in brooklyn last week, and im still reeling from that trip, so download these two songs, turn your speakers all the way up, and annoy the shit out of your roommates, rad!!!
(both songs are ez share links and are from the Japanther album Wolfenswan.)
Japanther - I-10
Japanther - Change Your Life

Look out on Monday for my review of Tenacious D and Hot Chip/shy child's live shows from this weekend, with sexy results.